Of the Same Old, Same Old.

I know. It’s been a while, again.

My stay in Kentucky went without any big event. The boys started school. I left. I came back to P-town. And things have been more or less the same. My friends started a new semester. My boyfriend started his job. I stay at home, bored out of my skull most days, trying to find employment. I knit. I knit a lot. I have determined that since I graduated, I have finished knitting three blankets for charity, finished Mom’s Christmas gift for this year, two pairs of socks, two regular hats, two stuffed elephants for two baby boys, and two mohawk hats. I’m currently working on my brothers’ Christmas presents, since I couldn’t work on it while I was visiting them. Besides knitting, I have tried to continue sewing a dress I started two Thanksgivings ago, and am determined to finish it before this Thanksgiving. Does anyone know how to install an invisible zipper? I sure don’t. My mom’s no help, either. I’d consult my aunt Jo for help, but she’s 1) in Cincinnati and 2) busy as can be with her work and her beautiful Stella. I always say that I’m going to give up any attempts at sewing once I finally finish a project, but I always seem to completely ignore that vow. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I have also completed my first embroidery project (it’s on my 101 Goals list, which has been rather inactive – shame on me!). It was a spur of the moment sort of thing that I just picked up the materials (though Mom had a hoop and materials) and checked out a book from the library. I designed it myself and -poof- within a few days, I was done. I’d say it is more simple compared to some of the beautiful embroidery I see online, but I’m still proud of it. It’s on red fabric and stitched in white. The image is of the rooster on the Sriracha bottle (spicy angry rooster sauce), and below it, I stitched a quote from an episode of My Drunk Kitchen: “Sriracha is the Worcestershire sauce of Thailand.” I made it with Alex in mind. Why? Because he likes Sriracha, he likes  My Drunk Kitchen, and eventually, he’s going to have an apartment of his own and I think it would be a unique and appropriate piece to hang in the kitchen.

Speaking of Alex, my dear sweet boyfriend had his birthday last week. I gave him the Sriracha embroidery, some bags of his favorite candy (Sour Patch Kids and Pretzel M&Ms), and a Streetlight Manifesto CD. I also joined him, his parents, and his grandparents for a celebration. We went to Pizzeria Uno and stuffed ourselves.

Besides crafting, I cook dinner every night. Recently, since Borders is going out of business, Mom picked up two vegetarian cookbooks. I think it’s really exciting, and we’re now on our second week of vegetarian dinners. I’m going to try my month of vegetarianism (another thing on my goal list) now, I’d say, though it will be difficult depending on who I happen to eat with. For example, if I go visit Alex, I don’t want to snub the dinner if it includes meat, because that would be inconvenient. Also, I’ve been reading, though not in the past few days. I’m going to remedy that. If you want to check out my book list, I have it on Listography. There’s still plenty more books on my bookshelves that I haven’t tackled yet, and it could possibly be another year before I finish them all! I hope not, though…

Nothing much else is going on, I’d say. I don’t watch a lot of movies, but some days, I feel like a bump on a log. And then, for the past two weekends, Alex and I have gone up to Muncie for shenanigans. I love being able to see my friends and hang out with them. It makes me miss school – or at least being just a stone’s throw away from everyone. I also miss biking and walking everywhere. That’s why, after I finish writing this, I have decided that I’m going to bike to the library. Okay, maybe lunch first. Either way, I’m still going to bike to the library today and enjoy the beautiful weather outside. Thankfully, it isn’t too hot.

I will post again soon. I’ve decided that it is going to be a very picture-heavy post, since I want to share my crafty ventures. I am quite proud of them.

Until then…

Of the Doldrums.

I’m in the doldrums. Not that I got far out of them before I fell back in.

I’m here at my dad’s house, watching my brothers. David goes back to school tomorrow. He’s in sixth grade, at a special advanced school. He’ll be taking algebra I and Latin. My eleven-year-old brother is going to know Latin, and by the time he gets in high school, he’ll probably take more math than I ever did. Man, that just makes me feel stupid. At least I can make my own peanut butter and jelly sandwich and can remember to flush the toilet, but that’s not saying much. We don’t get along like we used to, and I feel bad about that, but David has had this recent habit of acting like a teenager and thinking the world revolves around him and he can do no wrong. He doesn’t listen. This morning, I told him to take the dog out front so he could relieve himself while I was getting breakfast together. When it was ready, I thought, “Well, it doesn’t take the dog that long, so I wonder how things are going.” I looked out the front door and couldn’t find David and Jock. I panicked. I ran out to the driveway and saw that David was a few houses down, near the bus stop. I yelled for him to come back. He said that he thought the dog could use a walk. That might have been a good idea, but only with someone else to accompany him. He has no concept of “Stranger Danger,” and that’s worrisome.

I want to get along with David, but sometimes it is hard. We still have some good moments, though. The other day, I went upstairs and couldn’t find him anywhere. I called his name, and he didn’t answer. I eventually found him sitting in the empty master bathroom tub, reading the iPad, and listening to the radio with the door shut. Kids are so odd sometimes.

Alex is going to be in third grade. He doesn’t start until next Wednesday, though. He’s very into Harry Potter now, which I like, but it’s more of the movie and Lego ties that he likes, not the books – which makes me sad. Oh well. He’s still freakin’ adorable. The other night, we were watching the end of Spaceballs before bed, and he was wearing Harry Potter robes. I went upstairs to get my laptop, and he said, “When you come downstairs and my hood is up, pretend I’m invisible!” It made me laugh so much.

Besides watching my brothers, I’ve been reading, exercising, writing, knitting, and job searching. Basically, the same things I do when I live with Mom. I have been exercising more, though, and it makes me feel good. I’ll probably do it after I finish writing this. With reading, I recently finished Bel Canto, which I think is probably my new favorite book (My apologies to The Historian – You can be my runner-up, though!). I finished it on Sunday, and there was this deep sadness within me; I wanted to read more, and yet, I knew that there was no more. I felt for the characters, and I was moved by the beautiful writing. I wish I could write like that. I’m re-reading The Sparrow now. I read it back in high school, a while ago. I don’t remember much of it, except for little parts. I found a copy of the book when I visited Jennifer in Bloomington once. There was a cool used bookstore there. Anyway, it’s interesting, but I think it’s harder to get into than the last book.

I’m currently knitting a pair of socks right now for the boy. It’s a easy, beautiful pattern, and I love the yarn, but I think I’m going to run out. I should probably buy some more. I might just get some more for myself. Books and yarn – those are my biggest vices.

As for job searching, it’s a bust. I got a call Friday about a position I applied to two months ago. I happened to be driving to my grandparents’ house at the time. I called back and left a message for the woman, but she was out of the office for the weekend. She called on Monday, completely ignoring the fact that I had stated in the message that I wouldn’t be back until the 17th. She wanted me to set up an interview for Tuesday. When I explained that I was out of state, she immediately said, “Well, it’s been nice speaking to you.” I understand that most people prefer an in-person interview to a phone interview, and for good reason. I just wish that I could have been given a chance. What if this was a family emergency? I hate that so many recruiters/employers want people to be so desperate that they’ll drop everything for an interview. Yes, I want a job, I really need one, but sometimes there are circumstances beyond my control.

Additionally, last week I had an preliminary interview for a teaching position in Japan. Because of my hellish student teaching experience, I would rather teach in a country that respects education and educators instead of America. I was worried, though, about going abroad for a year, being completely alone in a foreign country.  I know that I would miss Alex and my family considerably. I also wasn’t sure if the start-up costs (I would have to pay for my own flight over to Japan, my background check, and some other things before I actually received a stipend.). Well, now I don’t have to choose. I got an e-mail last night. They don’t want me.

Nobody wants me. It feels like the time before I found my job at the library, only worse. I have little experience, I have little references, and who really wants an English major, anymore? I keep seeing and hearing about my friends who are getting jobs or, in the case of my teaching friends, getting ready to teach their first class. My other friends still in school are getting their schedules, moving back to the dorms, or starting grad school. I just feel like everyone knows what they’re doing with their life but me.

Of the Wrath of Salmon and Other Woes.

It’s August. I can’t believe it’s already August. Of course, time flies when you think you have all the time in the world. Three months ago – hell, it’s more like five months ago, I thought, “I’ll take a year off, get some work, and then go to grad school!” Now? Well, my notices for student loan payments are coming in. I’m still unemployed. I feel my dreams of getting my masters in library science are slipping away. Mom and I fight at least once or twice a week, when we rarely fought once we moved here six years ago.

I’m sad. Others who have recently graduated, like myself, are finding jobs. Alex finally got something after what seems like two years of searching, which I’m happy about. If my peers aren’t getting employed, they’re going back to school – grad school, another year of undergrad; some people, like my friend Jennifer, have both work and school to look forward to. There are so many other milestones people are hitting in their own lives, and what do I have to show?

Nothing.

I don’t have much to say as of late. What’s new to talk about, really? Yes, I’m utilizing the time I have by searching for a job, exercising, writing, reading, and doing crafty things, but I really can’t be too excited when it’s the same thing, day after day. I’m going to a family reunion this weekend, and people are going to ask me what I’m up to, and I truly won’t have anything to note. I can sum up my life in a few words. No one’s going to care. I’m not interesting.

I often wonder why I keep this blog around. I originally intended to use it as a book review blog. I did it once. Although I can say that I’ve read enough books in the past five months that could last several posts if I wanted to pick that up again. Then, this became a somewhat outlet for my crafty ventures. Now, it’s a sad mess.

I just feel like life is passing me by, time is passing me by. I think I’m just going to get pushed to the side and disappear, like, if I don’t do something with my life, I don’t exist.

I mean, I know I do stuff other than write, read, craft, and mope. In the past weeks I honestly haven’t done much besides that, though. I look back on this whole summer, which was full of opportunity and excitement, and I feel like I have just wasted it.

Alex’s car is still in the shop, so I’ve come down and visited him a few times, and he’s been able to get a ride up to my house at other times. Our visits are sparse and public. Once he starts working, I’ll probably only see him on the weekends, like it was when I was at school last year, only I’m living at home. I hope his car is repaired soon, though. I know how much he loves driving and he loves his car. Plus, if I drive him, he’ll get motion sick, and I always feel bad about that.

We went up to Muncie with Scott this past Sunday for Scott’s birthday. It was a small gathering, but nice. I brought brownies I had made late night before. We chatted and I knit, and I ended up being the designated driver for the night. What I didn’t foresee was when we went out to the Locker Room, we were having a great time until I had an allergic reaction. For dinner that night, Alex and I cooked up what was on the menu – salmon, green beans, and cheesy garlic biscuits. It was all delicious. I had only had salmon once before, and I had a reaction that time, but I thought I was in the clear this time. I felt great, but then suddenly, I found myself sneezing, itching, swelling, and wheezing, among some other symptoms. I am now, without a doubt, allergic to salmon. There’s something in it that, when in my digestive system and it’s being broken down, it causes my body to react. It’s so strange, though, since it isn’t immediate – it takes about six hours for the reaction to kick in.

Nothing’s scarier than having to drive home while your face is swelling and every breath you take is a ghastly wheeze. I stayed calm and we got back to Krista’s apartment safely, but every time we stopped at a stop sign and no one was around, I’d have to scratch my back and arms. I was miserable. When we got back, everyone was really helpful. I could barely get out of the driver’s seat because I was weak, and Alex helped me out. Krista and Derek ran up and got the Benedryl I luckily had in my backpack, and Nick held open the doors for us. I am lucky to have such good friends. It took a while to recover, and everyone went to bed, but Alex stayed with me on the couch until I was comfortable enough to sleep. Being with him was probably the best part of that weekend.

Anyway, like I said, nothing much else has been going on. I attempted and succeeded in my first embroidery project. I’ll share it when it’s framed, and possibly after Alex’s birthday, since it’s for him and I want it to be a surprise. As I also stated before, I’m going to a family reunion this weekend. Something to keep me busy while my friends and boyfriend are having a great time at GenCon. I wanted to go last year, but didn’t have transportation. This year, I thought I would have a job that would prevent me from going, though I didn’t really have the money to go, either. Oh well. The only consolation I have is that I’m not missing Wil Wheaton this year, since he’s not visiting, though I missed meeting him last year. It just makes me feel even more sucky, since I’m not getting out and doing anything interesting. The State Fair is starting this weekend, too, and I’m going to miss most of it because I’ll be out of state.

The reunion should be… interesting. I guess. I don’t know. I feel weird about going, but I feel that it would be a good alternative to staying home and getting into an argument with my mom. On Sunday, I’ll be driving down to Lexington. I’ll be watching my brothers for the next week and a half because they’ll be starting school soon. David starts sixth grade on Wednesday, and Alex will be in third grade, I do believe. That doesn’t start until the following week. It’ll be good to see them.

Until next time.

Of O-HI-O. (Or, How I Visited Family and Won Some Cash.)

I guess it’s been a busy week or so. On Tuesday ( the 12th), I packed the car, did some errands, and then drove to Cincinnati to visit my aunt Jo and uncle Dave. The drive was not bad. I listened to Yelle and Madonna, and I tried to not get killed by stupid people on the roadways. One person tried to merge while I was right beside him, and he honked his horn. I checked my other side, moved over, and sped up. Then, he followed me closely, tail-gating me. I was super uncomfortable and wished I could punch this person in the face because whatever rush he was in, no matter what it was for, it did not matter compared to my LIFE.

I arrived there a little bit before dinner, which was a black bean /avocado/poblano wrap and I helped Aunt Jo prepare it. When Uncle Dave came home, she left to go to a meeting, and Uncle Dave and I had dinner together. It was tasty. Then, I went downstairs to get some work done, trying to take the flowers off these purple velvet drapes Aunt Jo had made. I listened to Soma.fm while doing it, and got almost two hours of work done. When Aunt Jo came home, I stopped and we had ice cream.

I went up to bed around 10:00 and talked to Alex. Then, I read some of The Tales of Beedle the Bard, which was my aunt’s and I had never read it before. I only got through one story and fell asleep. I was very tired from the drive and the work.

Wednesday, I did some more flower removal and business card sorting. I did that for a total of eight hours or so. Aunt Jo and Uncle Dave also got Stella on that day. She is a retired racing greyhound, and she is very shy since she does not know how to be a pet yet, but she is adorable. I think she is a big sweetheart, and Aunt Jo and Uncle Dave finally have a “child” of their own to take care of, since I have been the baby of the family for the past twenty-two years.

I also finished reading The Tales of Beedle the Bard that evening. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I miss so much about Harry Potter. I wish I could have gone to the midnight showing of the last film Thursday evening, but I could not. Plus, I would not want to be in a packed theater like the time I went to see Goblet of Fire during opening weekend.

Thursday, I woke up around 7:00 and had a breakfast of turkey sausage and chocolate chunk scones that I had helped Aunt Jo make. Iwas busy all day doing business card stuff. I scanned them and sorted them in Aunt Jo’s database, I took all the bookmarks and labels out of her books, and together, we finally got the last of the flowers removed from the purple velvet drapes.

We also spent a lot of time trying to get Stella acclimated to her new home. She seemed to have taken a shine to me, and liked it when I pet her. She wouldn’t eat that much, which was worrisome. Stella’s funny, though. I went upstairs to talk to Aunt Jo, and when I turned around, Stella was at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at me. She also stood on the newspaper while Aunt Jo was trying to read it.

I worked a total of nineteen hours while I was visiting, and I also helped Aunt Jo with one of her projects for school before I left on Friday morning. I drove out of Cincinnati to Fairborn, and let me just say, I hate, hate, HATE driving in Cincinnati. Coming in was not so bad, but when I was going north out of the city, it felt like I was having an ulcer and a heart attack. My hands were shaking. I felt sick. I was so glad to be out of it.

I drove up through Dayton, about forty miles all the way. I thought of my childhood while listening to the Juno soundtrack and David Bowie. I was born in Dayton, and so even though I have not lived there in over seventeen years, it still has a special place in my heart. I remember the Air Force Museum, which Alex and I visited on a camping trip once. There were just so many familiar things to me as I was driving, and I missed it a little bit. My life is good now, and I do not think the life I have now would be anything like the life that I would have lived had my parents actually stayed together. So in a way, everything works out.

Anyway, I made it to my grandparents’ house. Grandpa was at the festival already, so Grandma and I had lunch. She was baking bread, and then she took a nap later. I tried to take a nap. It didn’t work. I sat out on the back patio, mooching their neighbor’s wireless and surfed the Internet until she woke up. We did have coffee, though. I had so much coffee.

We left around 5:30 and dropped some books and movies off at the library, then we went to the festival run by their church, which started at 6:00. Grandma and Grandpa have worked at every festival for the last thirty-five years, and Grandpa used to be one of the head workers there. He stepped down a few years ago, but he is still very active in it. I have been to the festival since I was very young. Mom used to take me and put me on the kiddie rides, or get my face painted. My attendance, however, had been sporadic. I can’t remember the last time I went to one of them – probably when I was a sullen teenager, since I know it wasn’t in the last four years.

Now, since I am an adult, I don’t go for the kiddie rides or the games or the face painting. There’s crafts and a flea market to look at, and a book booth that has always been a hit for my family. I browsed the selection and didn’t see anything I really wanted, but I did keep tabs on a few books, though in the end, I didn’t buy anything.

On Friday evening, we ate with Ed and Mary and I had a pulled pork sandwich with French fries. It was a good choice. I spent the most of the night chatting and counting money in the air-conditioned office. It was my second time doing it, and it was a lot of fun. It was even more fun to come across people who have known me since I was small, and gasping at the young woman I am now. It makes me laugh. I also like seeing the different generations. For instance, if my mom could have made it, we would have three generations at the festival this year. As it stands, another family had the grandmother, the mother, and her son in his first year as a counter. It’s very interesting, but it does go to show how big this festival is for some people.

Grandma sent me down for a funnel cake, and we shared that. It was good, though rather pricey. I also got to talk to Alex, though that wasn’t until midnight, and we were still at the festival. I went out into the hall, and I noticed they were filing out with the money and they started turning the lights out in the hallway. I thought they were going to leave me! They were just going to the bank, though, and I stayed in the office until Grandma and Grandpa came back.

We got home around 1:00, and then we had ice cream. Yeah, I kid you not. My grandparents are awesome. They also gave me a belated graduation present.

I finally had the chance to sleep in on Saturday morning. I needed it, for sure. I got up and sat out on the back patio again, and I ended up talking to Teddy. He got a job near Lafayette, so he cut his trip out West short.

I helped my grandma bake lemon coconut bars and two batches of brownies for the festival. She took a nap afterward, but I have trouble taking naps, so I just stayed awake and knitted and watched television. Grandpa was already at the festival, he was there all day. We went around 5:30 and looked through the vendors’ tent, the book booth, and Bars & Bells. Grandma and I played some Bars & Bells – it was my first time, and I won twenty-five dollars! I was super excited about that.

I had a meatball sandwich for dinner – my favorite festival fare. I hung out in the office for a while, knitting, talking, counting money, whatever. It was hot and muggy outside, so the air conditioned office was a haven. I met Joe and Ben, who’s grandparents are part of the festival like mine. They’re nice guys.

Later, Grandma and I grabbed some pie and coffee. I spilled hot coffee on my hand and part of my shirt, so that was embarrassing, but the sugar cream pie I got was good. We did some more time in the office, and I was just going to hang in there and knit, but Joe, Ben, and Courtney invited me to join them. They were meeting a friend and going on a ride. I decided to join them. We all pitched in four dollars and bought a sheet of tickets, though between the five of us (including the friend, Mary), we could only ride one ride, the Sizzler (“The Scrambler” everywhere else). I crammed into a car with Joe and Courtney, and I felt embarrassed about my big hips. We could barely squeeze in together. I was so much bigger than Courtney and Mary, and about as tall as the boys. Then, I thought about my age. Joe would be eighteen, Courtney, seventeen. Ben is a sophomore at the University of Cincinnati, and so that would probably make him nineteen. I’m twenty-two, old enough to drink and at least three years older than all of them. I felt awkward. They didn’t treat me as so, but I felt self-conscious, like I needed my own kind. I invited Alex to come to the festival next year so maybe I won’t feel that way again. Hopefully, that’s a possibility.

After the ride and splitting off from the others, I joined Grandpa on a run. I picked up money from the booths and ran it over, escorted by a deputy. It was my first time and I felt very important! I also passed out bags before the last hour of the festival, also a first. I spent the rest of the evening counting, though I took a break to call Alex. After midnight, I went with Grandpa, Kim, and a deputy to the bank to deposit money. I felt even more important! I was super giddy because I had never done anything like that before.

 

We got home a little earlier than the previous night, and then we had ice cream. I had a hard time falling asleep and had “The Name Game” going on in my head. Crazy. I did sleep, though it was hard to get up at 7:00 in the morning after a late night. I went with Grandma and Grandpa to church, and then helped get some things together for the festival. I said goodbye to Grandpa, and Grandma and I went back home. I had some coffee and read some of the newspaper. Then, I packed up my car and drove to Richmond, where I met up with my paternal grandparents.

Grandma and Grandpa treated me to lunch at Applebee’s, which I requested because I knew I could get a nice salad there. We came back home, did some visiting, and had some ice cream. I was going to head to Muncie, but I realized how tired I was. I took a nap because I thought I would be at Muncie late. It was interrupted because Alex texted me. His car overheated in Fortville, so he couldn’t make it to Muncie. Another one of our meetings thwarted.

I spent some more time with Grandma and Grandpa, and around 4:00 I headed off towards Muncie. It took me about an hour to get to Krista’s apartment, and we talked and watched the first episode of the new season of True Blood, since she hadn’t seen it. Robin came up to visit, too, and we went to Wal-Mart and got pizzas. It was tasty, and nice because I really didn’t feel like doing any tough cooking tonight. We watched The Birdcage, and after that, I decided it was time to come home.

Overall, I’d say it was a great trip. I saw and experienced a lot of different things, and came home with brownies, scones, zucchini, green peppers, rhubarb, yellow squash, storage containers, three knitting books, and a small sum of cash. Most of all, though, I got to spend some time with my family. And a deputy. And I got to sing in my car at the top of my lungs.

More car problems plagued us, though. Mom’s clutch went out, and so I had to drive her to work on Monday and Tuesday and pick her up, which I wasn’t too pleased about. At least not on Monday, since I was exhausted from my trip.

The good news is that got fixed, and hopefully, in a few weeks, Alex’s car will be fixed, too. I got to see him on Wednesday, and we went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2, and had dinner with his parents. I also got to see him this weekend. That was pretty much the only notable thing this past week, besides seeing my girls for So You Think You Can Dance on Wednesday as well. Anyway, though we didn’t do anything too interesting, it was just nice to be with him. I took him home this morning, and I miss him already.

 

So yeah, lots of stuff going on, that’s why I haven’t been here that much (that, and utter laziness). That’s all.

Of Fear and Self-Loathing in Indiana.

Well, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted here, so I figured it was about time. It’s been an interesting time between then and now – okay, not all of it, but some of it. The weekend following the post I wrote was really good. My grandparents showed up on the 23rd and spent the weekend with us. There was a Half-Price Books Clearance Sale at the State Fairgrounds, so we went. I shouldn’t have bought any books, but not a single item was over $3, so I took that opportunity. I bought fifteen books – about $180 at new retail price – for $19. So it was a great deal… and now I have about thirty books I own that I have never read. I’m working on it. After the book sale, we went to Monical’s Pizza for lunch and then took a tour of my mom’s work. She’s been there a year and they had an open house. It was nice to finally see the inside.

On that Sunday, my grandparents left and Alex, Scott, and I went up to Muncie for Thom’s birthday. Alex made falafel and I made jalapeno poppers and sangria. Of course, the sangria was solely for me. It was really good for a first-time recipe. It was a real good time, and I was glad to see everyone.

I’m trying to think about everything else that’s gone on, but it’s hard. I spend a lot of time around the house – reading, knitting, writing, watching television, avoiding things that I actually want and need to do, like clean my room, because I’m not motivated. I’ve read quite a few books lately, like I said before. I most recently finished The Awakening, and today I hope to finish Mrs. Dalloway. I’ve started knitting my final charity blanket, I finished a second pair of socks and have been working on two stuffed elephants for two babies.

The Fourth of July was good. Mom and I watched movies all weekend, and Alex came up and we played Frisbee and ate dinner with my mom. We drove to Anderson and sat in an empty parking lot watching the fireworks from my car and eating Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream. I’ve had some pretty good days. On Wednesday nights, I go over to Jennifer’s and we watch So You Think You Can Dance. This past Wednesday, we swam at her grandparents’ house, ate pizza for dinner, and had Good’s ice cream for dessert.

Not too much more happening, I’m afraid, unless you were to ask my brain. My brain would tell you that it is tired of this shit. It’s hard to sleep anymore because even though I’m tired, my mind still won’t stop working.

Lately, I’ve been conflicted with things. Things I want, things I don’t want, things that I should do, things that are rational. A job that will pay me a lot, or a job that will satisfy me in every way but paying me a lot, to stay local or to abandon my sane, rational inclinations and go out west to meet a friend. I attribute my confusion to my long-term bad habit of not being able to decide. It started as a child because I never wanted to rock the boat, to be demanding, and now it’s developed into, “Well, I’m really comfortable with really any outcome, so I don’t know what to decide.” It happens with food to eat, places to go, movies to watch. I want to experience everything, and I don’t care in what order I do it. It will all happen eventually. Or at least, most of the time, that’s how it seems. But with these huge decisions, I just get freaked out. I look at the pros and the cons, and I know in my heart what I really want (I refer to it as my “McCoy”), but my brain always seems to chip in with its ideas of what would be better in the long-run (my “Spock.”). It sucks. Sometimes I try to stick out a bad situation, thinking that once I get through it, everything will be fine. That’s why I tried to stay in student teaching and work it out. I thought that if I just got through it, I’d graduate and be a better person and have more options for career choices and I wouldn’t have to do teaching if I didn’t want to. I didn’t have a choice in the end. After working in a harsh environment with an abusive supervising teacher, angry teenagers who hated on me every day, and a university supervisor who ignored the warning signs, I caved. I couldn’t do it.

I didn’t really want to do student teaching, and in a roundabout way, I didn’t have to do it anymore, though it wasn’t necessarily my choice to go how I did. I was kicked out (though they won’t use that term, it’s basically what happened). I wasted time, a lot of money, and I withstood psychological abuse to get where I am now, which isn’t even that glamorous.

And it’s only getting worse.

I mentioned before that I was having a hard time deciding between a job that would pay me money and a job that would make me happy. I consulted friends and family members for advice, and everyone had good points – and points that I had made in my own deductions. I know that no one else can make a decision for me, and that I am solely responsible for my own decisions. Well, anyway, I was worrying about this decision so much that it was making me sick. It was harder to sleep, I was worried. I went to go meet Alex in Greenfield on Thursday, and I would normally be excited, but I just felt so dead inside. He had brought Scott along as a surprise, which was nice, but I only got to spend an hour with them, when I had expected more. I don’t even know how I drove home, to be honest. I was so upset. I spent the rest of the evening in a funk. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t even want to talk to Alex. I felt so miserable and full of self-loathing. I thought of how worthless I was, how I had to go to this job because no one else would hire me and I was a total loser. I think it is the worst I’ve felt in a long time.

I did call Alex, though. It was 11:00 at night, and he had just woken up after an unexpected nap and had missed dinner. We ended up spontaneously meeting up at the same place we had met earlier, but at midnight. We had dinner together, a chance to redo our date. We talked and I felt a lot better, lighter. I drove home happy in the pouring rain, blasting LCD Soundsystem while going through sleepy little towns.

On Friday, I went to orientation for the high-paying job that I waited three months for. Yeah, that’s right. The testing and interview process was swift. They said they wanted me. But then they made me wait three months. It was so they could get a “class” of what seemed to be about fifteen people for orientation. I went up to the place last Friday for orientation, and within the first twenty minutes, while we were listening to the guy talk while we followed along on our own handout, I realized that this job would be horrible for me. Yeah, I know, you have to start somewhere, but I could see no way how I would actually be able to get out of this place if I wanted to. I don’t even know how long my assignment would last. They could have brought me in for training, and then let me go after the first week. I would hate to wait three months only to work a week.

I sat through over an hour of this orientation when I finally saw a break and was able to get the supervisor aside and tell him I didn’t want the job. He wanted to know why, and I said, “Well, I thought I wanted it, but I really didn’t.” I actually felt quite at peace with my decision.

I may be too prideful, or delusional, or I don’t know. I know, it’s crazy. But I believe that I will find something better, one day. Someday, I will earn the exact same amount of money – or more – in a job that I enjoy, rather than one would make me hate myself every day.

In the meantime while I find a job, I’m trying to keep myself busy – again. Today, Alex and I went to Petsmart and looked at the kitties (SO CUTE!), went bowling, and had ice cream cones at Good’s before he left about two hours ago. I’m leaving tomorrow for Cincinnati. My aunt Jo was bugging me to come visit her. She’ll pay me if I clean and organize her sewing studio (and there’s a bonus if I find her stereo remote!). Stella, the dog that she and Uncle Dave adopted, will be coming home on Wednesday, so I’ll be the first to meet her. I’ll be in Cincy until Friday, and then I’m going to visit my (maternal) grandparents and see if I can keep myself busy at their church festival until Sunday morning. I’ll stop at my (paternal) grandparents’ house on Sunday for a short visit and lunch on my way to Muncie, where I’ll be hanging out with friends, a full loop.

So that’s how things go…

Of an Evening.

Yesterday evening around 6:30, Alex and I met up at a shopping center that’s halfway for us. It has a lot of things to do, but we didn’t do much. We met in the bookstore, and we browsed a little, but didn’t buy anything. We walked around the whole center, getting a little wet from rain, but for the most part the weather was good – perhaps a little windy, though. The wind definitely gave my hair the “windswept look,” so much so that often it was in my face.

We walked to the theater, but Alex didn’t want to see anything. It was probably a good idea, though I’m still itching to see Bridesmaids (I don’t want to go alone – I’ve done that before, and I just feel weird), and I’m sort of interested in Super 8. We ended up at Paradise Bakery, and we had something to drink and – more importantly – cookies. Those are really good cookies.

Alex and I attempted to find something else to do, and did a little driving around. It was just nice to be with him, since I don’t know if I’ll see him again this week before Sunday’s festivities for Thom’s birthday. If I do, it will probably be a similar mini-date like last night. I pointed out to him last night as we were saying goodbye that it was like we were starting over, as if we had just met and we wanted to do small dates just to get to know each other all over again. And yet, we’ve been dating for over three years, and we weren’t doing too much talking as we were walking around – just holding hands, enjoying our time together.

I came home and Mom and I were going to watch Bottle Shock, but the DVD we got from Netflix was badly scratched and we couldn’t watch it without stops and skips. We watched a few episodes of True Blood instead, and I tried to work on my sock, but somehow I really messed up the heel flap and turning the heel, and though I tried to go back and fix it, I ended up just unraveling the whole thing. I was mad. You would think that having done a pattern all the way through before wouldn’t be such a problem the second time around.

I woke up earlier today, and I’ve already done some job searching that left me with no good results. Bummer. I’ve got to do some working out and cleaning and reading to do today, too. I think I might finally attempt to get my real bedroom in order; I’ve been sleeping in the guest bedroom because the bed is bigger, but since my grandparents are coming this weekend, I’ll be kicked out.

So many things to do, so much time – so little motivation.

Of Being In, Out, and About.

After I wrote that last blog post, i went off to my interview. I walked in, they gave me an application to fill out, and I was led to a room where three other people were filling out their applications. The two other girls were wearing power suits, and the guy was also wearing a suit. I immediately thought of my own outfit, which was a nice blouse and a skirt. I felt out of place immediately. As I filled out the application, I realized that I was not the person that they wanted. I was almost finished with the application when I just – stopped. I stood up and walked out into the lobby, and gave the man in charge back my application packet, explaining that I didn’t feel I was qualified enough. He tried to talk me out of leaving, but I was too upset. I thanked him for the opportunity, and then walked out. I was sobbing before I got back to my car in the parking lot. I sat in my car for a little bit. It was hot, and I was humiliated. It had been my third interview opportunity since graduation, and I just blew it. But I didn’t want to stay however long they needed me to and then wait around for them to say that I wasn’t right for the position, when I knew from the get-go that I wasn’t.

I didn’t want to go back home. I didn’t want to admit to my mom that I just blew it. So I called Alex. He was hanging out with Scott at his house since his car’s battery wasn’t yet replaced. He said I could come over. There was a horrendous mess of construction and accidents, so I ended up in my car for an hour in traffic, sweating, feeling a sense of shame and just being an absolute wreck. Yeah, that was awesome. I was so glad to finally get to Alex’s, though the back of my shirt was soaked with sweat by the time I got there – at least he gave me a shirt of his to wear instead. Scott was still there, and though I hadn’t originally intended on staying for dinner, I was invited to, so I did. It was really nice with Alex, his parents, and Scott there. It gave me a sense of a perfect family moment, and I don’t know when the last time I felt something like that.

I was able to calm down; I felt better when I told the truth about what had happened before I told my mom. It gave me a feeling of confidence when I was told that it was okay, and that everything will work out. After dinner, Alex, Scott, and I played a game of Torres, ate berries with whipped cream, and watched some E3 coverage before I went home. I felt better – not great, but better by the time I got home.

Nothing much else happened that week, though I have been trying to write and read every day, and I’ve been knitting like crazy. I finished a pair of socks, and I’m working on another one. I’ll probably have that second pair done by Thursday. I still sit on my ass a lot and watch Nip/Tuck and True Blood. I still haven’t had the motivation to work on moving all my stuff into a more permanent arrangement, but I know I need to do it.

Last Sunday, I went back up to Muncie. Alex had been there the night before, and the guys didn’t actually end up playing Dungeons and Dragons. It cramped mine and Krista’s girlie time, but we still made cottage pie, watched Juno, and played Mario Party with Alex and Tanner. Alex went home with me and stayed the night, which was a nice relief. Then, I had been invited to see Sarah and stay with her on Monday, so I kicked Alex out early and made it to Columbus by noon. Sarah and I ate Indian food (and had Indian food babies), walked around, went to the park and walked around, had a lot of good heart-to-heart time, had ice cream sodas, knit, played with her dogs (Her dogs were really cute and made me want to have a dog, but I know that I’m very much a cat person – I guess it’s the same way with other people’s kids.), ate artisan bread and had iced lattes while watching The Green Hornet. I know that’s a huge run-on sentence. No, I’m not going to correct it.

So yeah, I had a lovely time with my Sarah. It was unbelievable that we crammed all that into our time together, and that when I left it was actually Tuesday. Time is really strange when you don’t have any actual daily commitments like a job or school. You can have your weekend anytime, all the time…

I went back home and did some relaxing, but I also had to go buy another new phone because while I was at Sarah’s, I realized the screen on mine was broken. Since I like being able to know who I’m calling, who is calling me, and the ability to text, I went out and replaced it. I got the same model as the last, and the one before that (the one who’s fate ended up in toilet back in December), but this time with insurance. It needs it if I’m its owner.

Wednesday ended up being another mini-shopping day, and then on Thursday, Alex came over. We watched some more FLCL, had Sno-Castle, and made pork tacos for dinner.

Friday and Saturday were True Blood days with my mom. She hasn’t seen the third season yet, and we decided to rewatch the first two, which was probably a good idea since I forgot some of what happened, and we finished the second season on Saturday night. We’re rather crazy.

Yesterday was Father’s Day and I called my two grandpas and my dad. My maternal grandparents will be coming in on Thursday night and staying until Sunday afternoon, so it will be good to see them. Then I drove up to Krista’s and the guys weren’t playing D&D again this week, we had already arranged our hanging-out time. It was just me, Nick, and Krista there. We watched The Breakfast Club because Krista had never seen it before, and then Krista and I made enchiladas. Nick brought out his Dance Dance Revolution game, and we tried to play, but one pad was dead and the other one had a finicky back arrow that filled us with frustration. I left at about 9:00 and went home. Mom and I watched another episode of True Blood before she went to bed.

I woke up this morning around 7:30. The bedroom was orange because of the glow of the rising sun. It was sort of fantastical. I went back to sleep, though, and woke up to a huge, gray thunderstorm. I haven’t yet done anything of note today, but I’m excited for this evening because I get to see my boy. Hopefully the weather’s nice, because we were planning to walk around outside.

Of Being Stuck in the Middle With You.

Suck suckity suck suck. That’s how things have been feeling lately.

I hate to feel so negative. It doesn’t make me feel good. But I don’t know, necessarily, how to make myself feel better. I’m trying, but due to the fact that I don’t have a job yet, it’s rather limited.

I miss being a student, and having goals to accomplish at that level – papers to write, assignments to read, professors and fellow peers to have intelligent conversation with. I used to have a job. It was minimum wage and I couldn’t work over twenty hours a week, but I had great supervisors and nice people as coworkers. I was a hard worker, and even though it didn’t pay much, but I worked hard, and I was happy.

Of course, I’ll admit that I’m happier now than I ever was during student teaching. I don’t have to deal with constant bullying and ridicule from over a hundred students a day and my supervising teacher. I can actually spend time being myself. Sometimes a little too much time to myself, anymore.

I miss my friends. When I lived in Muncie, most of them were a walk or a bike ride away. Now, it takes forty-five minutes to get there and forty-five to get back. Therefore, I don’t get much social interaction anymore.

I know, the job market is hard. It’s even harder knowing that there are just so many positions that I’m not qualified for. I’ve had two interviews since graduation. One went all right, and it was in a very upscale area, but I didn’t get the position. I don’t know why I always get my hopes up. When I found out, I told Alex. He had an interview that day, and it went well. About an hour later, the doorbell rang. There he was. He didn’t stay very long, but I appreciate that he wanted to console me.

I had another interview last Friday. It wasn’t one I was particularly looking forward to, especially since it seems no one really wants to give you the information you need, like what sort of position you’re interviewing for. I spent more time in the waiting area than I actually did in the interview – which lasted five minutes. Let us just say that I bombed that interview, big time. But for the record, they wanted a salesperson and should have said that up front. I’m not a salesperson. I can’t sell things. One time in high school, my mom just wanted me to pay for a fundraiser., rather than sell candy bars. I wanted to prove her wrong, so I tried to sell, and failed. Unfortunately, the fact that I can’t sell things has really limited my career options at the moment.

In the meantime, I do try to keep myself busy. I workout (though it would be better if I could go to a gym), read, and write. I’ve been working some interesting writing projects, and I’ve been reading the thirty books I discovered that I own but I’ve never read before. I’ve also been knitting a pair of socks and re-watching Nip/Tuck. I’m currently on the second season. So, when it comes down to it, I spend a lot of time sitting on my ass.

I want a job. I want to move out of the house. Living with my mother again after being in college for four years – and not returning to P-town for the past two summers – is sucking, to put it so bluntly. None of my friends live around here – or well, one of them does, but she’s currently in London for the next two weeks. I’m lonely. My mom comes home from work and doesn’t even ask me how my day is. I understand that it may not look like I do anything at all, but still, it would be nice to be appreciated. I cook, I clean, I run errands. I wake my mom up when she falls asleep on the couch while watching television or in between work and schoolwork. She never asks, though, and she just complains about her day. Living with my mother has started making me resent her. I love her dearly, and I don’t know what I would do if she wasn’t in my life, but right now, living with her is hurting me and my relationship with her.

I think that Alex and I have both strengthened our relationship through our mutual unemployment and living with our parents, but it’s still not as good as it could be. No income, therefore, no big dates – but that’s not really my problem. When I lived in an apartment with three other roommates and I only got to see Alex every other weekend, I’d say things were better than me living with my mother (despite being only a half hour away now) and getting to see him maybe twice a week. I at least saw Alex for at least two to three consecutive days with the former situation. One of the times we see each other is when we go up to Muncie together and he plays Dungeons and Dragons with the guys while I knit and chat with Krista, so it’s not even like we’re alone anymore when we see each other. I look forward to Sunday evenings when he stays the night – even though it is for such a short while.

Yesterday, we went up to Muncie, but Alex had trouble with Domino, his car. When he went to get dinner, Tanner had to go jump his car later. When we tried to leave, the car wouldn’t start again; they tried to jump it, but it still didn’t work. Luckily, Tanner’s a nice guy and drove me home, but Alex stayed in Muncie. One of the only times I get to see him anymore, and it was cut short. I was so sad last night. I hated myself for being so selfish, since it was more important that Alex has reliable transportation and that we are both safe, but my heart ached.

I had to come back home, though. I have an interview at 5:00 today. I’m a bit more optimistic about this one than the last one, but still nervous. I just feel like I’m nothing, or a little kid, to these interviewers. It does wonders for my self-esteem (not).

I hate being in this limbo. I wonder how I am supposed to be an adult when I’m back where I started from four years ago – I may be older now, but four years ago, I was still hanging out at home, doing the same thing I’m doing now. Being here is killing my love life, my relationships, my sanity, and my self-esteem. I’m trying my best to get out, but I feel like it is a force of nature that’s keeping me from being where I want to be.

Of a Restart.

Back in November of 2009, I started a challenge to myself. A list of 101 Goals to accomplish in 1001 Days. My list was a variety of goals, including ones that would bring me closer to my family, encourage thinking and creating, and tasks that helped me become a better person/adult.

I kept this up for a good 446 days.

In February, I was getting completely stomped on by my student teaching experience, so I put the list on hiatus. It remained as such even when I withdrew from my student teaching. And today, I’d like  to announce that I’m restarting my 101 Goals in 1001 Days from where I left off.

Sure, I have accomplished a few goals in the meantime (graduation and driving down to my dad’s by myself for the first time), but I don’t think that’s any harm. It’s been quite a task just trying to learn how to live like a human being again, let alone working at this list.

If you need a refresher of the list, look here. To this date, I have accomplished 36/101 tasks on my list. A little better than my last “Hey-this-is-how-many-I’ve done” update, but not incredibly spectacular.

I now have 65 goals to complete by November 22, 2012. *Cracking knuckles*  I think I can do this.

Of Living Rooms, Or: The Post-Graduation Slump.

Well, after spending a week at home doing basically nothing, I have changed my surroundings… but have found myself doing pretty much the same thing.

I’m not exactly sad – definitely not like how I was before graduation, but I am in a slump. It’s hard to get motivated. I haven’t read or wrote anything in the past week, and I haven’t done much of anything. Well, that’s not entirely true, but if you were around me at all this past week, you would also say that I’m being a lazy bum. I haven’t even really unpacked, since I’ve been bouncing between Pendleton, Muncie, and on one occasion, Lexington. My clothes are in the dressers, but my toiletries are still in a travel bag, and I just haven’t had the motivation to unpack or sort through all my belongings. I’m hoping next week I will be able to pull myself together and get to work.

No word on my job. Well, I mean, I got it, it’s just that the training hasn’t started yet, and it’s been over a month since I had the interview and was told that the people want me. I’m not feeling totally optimistic. I really want to start working. I need the money, and I need some sort of structure or schedule to my day.

I got to see my boy on Wednesday. We watched FLCL (one of the gifts he got me for graduation), listened to LCD Soundsystem’s This is Happening (the other gift he got me for graduation), and went to Sno Castle and had our first snocones of the season. Yum.

Thursday was my mom’s birthday, and I made her a nice dinner and for dessert, margarita cupcakes. They’re pretty good cupcakes, though I messed up on the frosting and it was really drippy. I liked the lime flavor of the cupcakes, even though I feel like they ended up being too sweet for me. We also watched Red, which is full of awesome.

Friday was a good day. I got out of the house and met my mom during her break for lunch. We ate at Monical’s, a pizza place I had never been before. It was nice. Afterward, I spent some money. I ended up at Always in Stitches, a yarn store nearby that I had never been before, and fought my urge to buy really pretty, great, but expensive yarn. Maybe another day. Probably another day.

I stopped by Barnes and Noble, where I picked up The Call of Cthulhu, and Best Buy, where I bought Deadmau5’s 4×4=12. After that, I drove to Anderson and bought some yarn at Hobby Lobby. I know, I bought yarn anyway, but in my defense, it was for a current project (and a few future prospective projects…). I came back home and wrote fifteen thank-you notes in one sitting, which I’m pretty sure is a new record for me.

Saturday, Mom and I hung out the whole day. We both ran our own errands in the morning, and then watched movies on television for the the majority of the day. I finally convinced her that we should go to the library and get movies, so we did that and watched The Hangover and Hot Tub Time Machine. I got most of the way through knitting a hat, realized I messed it up, and had to restart it. By 8:30, we had finished both our movies and were incredibly bored. And that was the story of the night.

Yesterday, it took me forever to get motivated. I finished the hat I was knitting the night before, packed up my things (reluctantly, since I’m so sick and tired of moving around), and drove down to Lexington. Cindy is on a business trip this week, and Dad asked if I could help him out with the boys. Because I haven’t started working yet, I took up his offer. I didn’t have any problems on the drive, except it rained the whole time and I was bored because it was a three-hour trip and there was no one to talk to, unless you count talking to yourself.

I stayed up late last night, even though I shouldn’t have, and Dad woke me up at 5:30 before he left. He had done most of the preparation from last night, but I was very efficient at getting my brothers up, dressed, fed, hair fixed (you should see the bedheads on those kids) and at the bus stop, all while playing Pokemon Yellow on my Gameboy Color. Yes, I’m twenty-two. Don’t judge me.

I stayed up a little after the boys left, mostly because I had a cup of coffee, but I went back to bed around 8:00. I woke up two hours later, and lately, I’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing. I think I have three hours before the kids get home from school, so I should probably workout and take my shower. Tomorrow, the kids are off school, so I’ll be hanging out with them all day.

It’s been a refreshing change of environment, even if it is moving from one living room to another.