Suck suckity suck suck. That’s how things have been feeling lately.

I hate to feel so negative. It doesn’t make me feel good. But I don’t know, necessarily, how to make myself feel better. I’m trying, but due to the fact that I don’t have a job yet, it’s rather limited.

I miss being a student, and having goals to accomplish at that level – papers to write, assignments to read, professors and fellow peers to have intelligent conversation with. I used to have a job. It was minimum wage and I couldn’t work over twenty hours a week, but I had great supervisors and nice people as coworkers. I was a hard worker, and even though it didn’t pay much, but I worked hard, and I was happy.

Of course, I’ll admit that I’m happier now than I ever was during student teaching. I don’t have to deal with constant bullying and ridicule from over a hundred students a day and my supervising teacher. I can actually spend time being myself. Sometimes a little too much time to myself, anymore.

I miss my friends. When I lived in Muncie, most of them were a walk or a bike ride away. Now, it takes forty-five minutes to get there and forty-five to get back. Therefore, I don’t get much social interaction anymore.

I know, the job market is hard. It’s even harder knowing that there are just so many positions that I’m not qualified for. I’ve had two interviews since graduation. One went all right, and it was in a very upscale area, but I didn’t get the position. I don’t know why I always get my hopes up. When I found out, I told Alex. He had an interview that day, and it went well. About an hour later, the doorbell rang. There he was. He didn’t stay very long, but I appreciate that he wanted to console me.

I had another interview last Friday. It wasn’t one I was particularly looking forward to, especially since it seems no one really wants to give you the information you need, like what sort of position you’re interviewing for. I spent more time in the waiting area than I actually did in the interview – which lasted five minutes. Let us just say that I bombed that interview, big time. But for the record, they wanted a salesperson and should have said that up front. I’m not a salesperson. I can’t sell things. One time in high school, my mom just wanted me to pay for a fundraiser., rather than sell candy bars. I wanted to prove her wrong, so I tried to sell, and failed. Unfortunately, the fact that I can’t sell things has really limited my career options at the moment.

In the meantime, I do try to keep myself busy. I workout (though it would be better if I could go to a gym), read, and write. I’ve been working some interesting writing projects, and I’ve been reading the thirty books I discovered that I own but I’ve never read before. I’ve also been knitting a pair of socks and re-watching Nip/Tuck. I’m currently on the second season. So, when it comes down to it, I spend a lot of time sitting on my ass.

I want a job. I want to move out of the house. Living with my mother again after being in college for four years – and not returning to P-town for the past two summers – is sucking, to put it so bluntly. None of my friends live around here – or well, one of them does, but she’s currently in London for the next two weeks. I’m lonely. My mom comes home from work and doesn’t even ask me how my day is. I understand that it may not look like I do anything at all, but still, it would be nice to be appreciated. I cook, I clean, I run errands. I wake my mom up when she falls asleep on the couch while watching television or in between work and schoolwork. She never asks, though, and she just complains about her day. Living with my mother has started making me resent her. I love her dearly, and I don’t know what I would do if she wasn’t in my life, but right now, living with her is hurting me and my relationship with her.

I think that Alex and I have both strengthened our relationship through our mutual unemployment and living with our parents, but it’s still not as good as it could be. No income, therefore, no big dates – but that’s not really my problem. When I lived in an apartment with three other roommates and I only got to see Alex every other weekend, I’d say things were better than me living with my mother (despite being only a half hour away now) and getting to see him maybe twice a week. I at least saw Alex for at least two to three consecutive days with the former situation. One of the times we see each other is when we go up to Muncie together and he plays Dungeons and Dragons with the guys while I knit and chat with Krista, so it’s not even like we’re alone anymore when we see each other. I look forward to Sunday evenings when he stays the night – even though it is for such a short while.

Yesterday, we went up to Muncie, but Alex had trouble with Domino, his car. When he went to get dinner, Tanner had to go jump his car later. When we tried to leave, the car wouldn’t start again; they tried to jump it, but it still didn’t work. Luckily, Tanner’s a nice guy and drove me home, but Alex stayed in Muncie. One of the only times I get to see him anymore, and it was cut short. I was so sad last night. I hated myself for being so selfish, since it was more important that Alex has reliable transportation and that we are both safe, but my heart ached.

I had to come back home, though. I have an interview at 5:00 today. I’m a bit more optimistic about this one than the last one, but still nervous. I just feel like I’m nothing, or a little kid, to these interviewers. It does wonders for my self-esteem (not).

I hate being in this limbo. I wonder how I am supposed to be an adult when I’m back where I started from four years ago – I may be older now, but four years ago, I was still hanging out at home, doing the same thing I’m doing now. Being here is killing my love life, my relationships, my sanity, and my self-esteem. I’m trying my best to get out, but I feel like it is a force of nature that’s keeping me from being where I want to be.

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