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Well, it’s been an interesting turn of events. Okay, not really that interesting. I am currently writing this in my town’s public library, using their wireless Internet access because ours at home have gone kaput. We don’t know why, it was slow last night and then, when we tried to fix it, we completely lost it. My mom called my Uncle Dave, who set it up, and he thinks it might have to do with the provider, but it’s been a day and it’s still not working. I texted Alex and told him we had no Internet and it was like DEFCON 5 at my house. He corrected me on my botched Wargames reference. It is in fact, a DEFCON 1 situation.

I hate to say how reliant we are on the Internet nowadays, but we are. My mom does the majority of her schoolwork online, which is good for her because she can plan out when she does her homework. Unfortunately, I think she has something due tonight and that’s why we’re here. I wanted the Internet only so I could check my e-mail (which is probably junk) and I could write my 750 words for the day, since I have a good 115 day streak going and I am hesitant to just let it slip through my fingers. I just hope we can make it home in time to see the new episode of The Big Bang Theory. One of my nerdcrushes Wil Wheaton is on it again tonight, and I can’t miss that.

Otherwise, I haven’t really needed the Internet. I’m hoping to finish a Christmas present for one of my brothers tonight, and then I have a bunch of other Christmas knitting to work on. I’ve even started reading again, though most of my reading is done at work. So that means that in a 738-page book that I started three weeks ago, I’ve gotten about 102 pages in. Oh well. I vow to get back into the reading habit. I have far too many books to let them go unread. The large tome I am working on is a collection of Rudyard Kipling’s horror and fantasy stories. I admittedly only bought it because I saw it had “The Mark of the Beast” in it, which I love, but I am quite interested at what I’ve read so far. His language is a little hard to decipher at times, but that’s to be expected. Just wait until I get to my collection of Shakespeare – I’m going to go out of my mind because of his workings on the English language.

Also, I watch too much television. Mom and I got the first season of The Walking Dead and devoured it. We’re looking forward to the new season starting on Sunday. I’ve recently gotten interested in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and rediscovering South Park. My mother is not pleased. She also thinks I’m weird.

Anyway, nothing too exciting happening now. I’m a young, employed, apparently responsible adult now. I have been working at the hotel for four weeks now, though I’ve been in training for three. I actually enjoy my forty-five minute commute most days. I have noticed that the radio has a certain taste. It seemed like just about every time I was in the car either going to or coming from work, “Hotel California” would be playing. I don’t know if other hotel employees find that funny, but I thought it was hysterical. I have heard “In the Air Tonight” a lot, and that usually results in me belting out the lyrics and beating the drum part on my steering wheel. Also, Adele plays a lot, and though she has the most beautiful voice, there is only so many times I can take hearing “Rolling in the Deep” and “Someone Like You.” It’s such good music, but it makes me so sad and I really don’t have a reason to be sad right now.

Well, okay, maybe one reason. They are now getting me on a regular schedule. I’m going to have Sundays and Mondays off now instead of the proposed Thursdays and Fridays. That was my choice, though. I would much rather have Friday and Saturday off, but that’s not an option. I will, until some miracle happens, always work on Saturdays. So that sucks. I mean, I would be fine with my schedule, I just wish it didn’t seem like everyone I knew was in another time frame. I don’t know if I’ll actually get to visit my dad again until I have a year put in (because that’s when I earn vacation time). My friend Jennifer wrote on my Facebook wall the other day saying I should come visit her, and I’m just thinking, “Sure, but you’re still in school. You probably have classes or clinicals on Monday, so that’s probably not a good idea for me to come stay with you on Sunday…” but I really want to see her.

Before I was employed, I wanted to be a responsible adult. I wanted (and still want) to move out and be on my own. I wanted to feel like I was mature, or well, actually acting my age instead of feeling like nothing changed since the four years since high school. So now that I have a job to go to, why does that make me feel so crappy? I still don’t know what I want anymore, I guess.

Oddly enough, another song that reminds me of my job other than “Hotel California” is “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.” I should make a mix-tape.

I’m in the doldrums. Not that I got far out of them before I fell back in.

I’m here at my dad’s house, watching my brothers. David goes back to school tomorrow. He’s in sixth grade, at a special advanced school. He’ll be taking algebra I and Latin. My eleven-year-old brother is going to know Latin, and by the time he gets in high school, he’ll probably take more math than I ever did. Man, that just makes me feel stupid. At least I can make my own peanut butter and jelly sandwich and can remember to flush the toilet, but that’s not saying much. We don’t get along like we used to, and I feel bad about that, but David has had this recent habit of acting like a teenager and thinking the world revolves around him and he can do no wrong. He doesn’t listen. This morning, I told him to take the dog out front so he could relieve himself while I was getting breakfast together. When it was ready, I thought, “Well, it doesn’t take the dog that long, so I wonder how things are going.” I looked out the front door and couldn’t find David and Jock. I panicked. I ran out to the driveway and saw that David was a few houses down, near the bus stop. I yelled for him to come back. He said that he thought the dog could use a walk. That might have been a good idea, but only with someone else to accompany him. He has no concept of “Stranger Danger,” and that’s worrisome.

I want to get along with David, but sometimes it is hard. We still have some good moments, though. The other day, I went upstairs and couldn’t find him anywhere. I called his name, and he didn’t answer. I eventually found him sitting in the empty master bathroom tub, reading the iPad, and listening to the radio with the door shut. Kids are so odd sometimes.

Alex is going to be in third grade. He doesn’t start until next Wednesday, though. He’s very into Harry Potter now, which I like, but it’s more of the movie and Lego ties that he likes, not the books – which makes me sad. Oh well. He’s still freakin’ adorable. The other night, we were watching the end of Spaceballs before bed, and he was wearing Harry Potter robes. I went upstairs to get my laptop, and he said, “When you come downstairs and my hood is up, pretend I’m invisible!” It made me laugh so much.

Besides watching my brothers, I’ve been reading, exercising, writing, knitting, and job searching. Basically, the same things I do when I live with Mom. I have been exercising more, though, and it makes me feel good. I’ll probably do it after I finish writing this. With reading, I recently finished Bel Canto, which I think is probably my new favorite book (My apologies to The Historian – You can be my runner-up, though!). I finished it on Sunday, and there was this deep sadness within me; I wanted to read more, and yet, I knew that there was no more. I felt for the characters, and I was moved by the beautiful writing. I wish I could write like that. I’m re-reading The Sparrow now. I read it back in high school, a while ago. I don’t remember much of it, except for little parts. I found a copy of the book when I visited Jennifer in Bloomington once. There was a cool used bookstore there. Anyway, it’s interesting, but I think it’s harder to get into than the last book.

I’m currently knitting a pair of socks right now for the boy. It’s a easy, beautiful pattern, and I love the yarn, but I think I’m going to run out. I should probably buy some more. I might just get some more for myself. Books and yarn – those are my biggest vices.

As for job searching, it’s a bust. I got a call Friday about a position I applied to two months ago. I happened to be driving to my grandparents’ house at the time. I called back and left a message for the woman, but she was out of the office for the weekend. She called on Monday, completely ignoring the fact that I had stated in the message that I wouldn’t be back until the 17th. She wanted me to set up an interview for Tuesday. When I explained that I was out of state, she immediately said, “Well, it’s been nice speaking to you.” I understand that most people prefer an in-person interview to a phone interview, and for good reason. I just wish that I could have been given a chance. What if this was a family emergency? I hate that so many recruiters/employers want people to be so desperate that they’ll drop everything for an interview. Yes, I want a job, I really need one, but sometimes there are circumstances beyond my control.

Additionally, last week I had an preliminary interview for a teaching position in Japan. Because of my hellish student teaching experience, I would rather teach in a country that respects education and educators instead of America. I was worried, though, about going abroad for a year, being completely alone in a foreign country.  I know that I would miss Alex and my family considerably. I also wasn’t sure if the start-up costs (I would have to pay for my own flight over to Japan, my background check, and some other things before I actually received a stipend.). Well, now I don’t have to choose. I got an e-mail last night. They don’t want me.

Nobody wants me. It feels like the time before I found my job at the library, only worse. I have little experience, I have little references, and who really wants an English major, anymore? I keep seeing and hearing about my friends who are getting jobs or, in the case of my teaching friends, getting ready to teach their first class. My other friends still in school are getting their schedules, moving back to the dorms, or starting grad school. I just feel like everyone knows what they’re doing with their life but me.

Well, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted here, so I figured it was about time. It’s been an interesting time between then and now – okay, not all of it, but some of it. The weekend following the post I wrote was really good. My grandparents showed up on the 23rd and spent the weekend with us. There was a Half-Price Books Clearance Sale at the State Fairgrounds, so we went. I shouldn’t have bought any books, but not a single item was over $3, so I took that opportunity. I bought fifteen books – about $180 at new retail price – for $19. So it was a great deal… and now I have about thirty books I own that I have never read. I’m working on it. After the book sale, we went to Monical’s Pizza for lunch and then took a tour of my mom’s work. She’s been there a year and they had an open house. It was nice to finally see the inside.

On that Sunday, my grandparents left and Alex, Scott, and I went up to Muncie for Thom’s birthday. Alex made falafel and I made jalapeno poppers and sangria. Of course, the sangria was solely for me. It was really good for a first-time recipe. It was a real good time, and I was glad to see everyone.

I’m trying to think about everything else that’s gone on, but it’s hard. I spend a lot of time around the house – reading, knitting, writing, watching television, avoiding things that I actually want and need to do, like clean my room, because I’m not motivated. I’ve read quite a few books lately, like I said before. I most recently finished The Awakening, and today I hope to finish Mrs. Dalloway. I’ve started knitting my final charity blanket, I finished a second pair of socks and have been working on two stuffed elephants for two babies.

The Fourth of July was good. Mom and I watched movies all weekend, and Alex came up and we played Frisbee and ate dinner with my mom. We drove to Anderson and sat in an empty parking lot watching the fireworks from my car and eating Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream. I’ve had some pretty good days. On Wednesday nights, I go over to Jennifer’s and we watch So You Think You Can Dance. This past Wednesday, we swam at her grandparents’ house, ate pizza for dinner, and had Good’s ice cream for dessert.

Not too much more happening, I’m afraid, unless you were to ask my brain. My brain would tell you that it is tired of this shit. It’s hard to sleep anymore because even though I’m tired, my mind still won’t stop working.

Lately, I’ve been conflicted with things. Things I want, things I don’t want, things that I should do, things that are rational. A job that will pay me a lot, or a job that will satisfy me in every way but paying me a lot, to stay local or to abandon my sane, rational inclinations and go out west to meet a friend. I attribute my confusion to my long-term bad habit of not being able to decide. It started as a child because I never wanted to rock the boat, to be demanding, and now it’s developed into, “Well, I’m really comfortable with really any outcome, so I don’t know what to decide.” It happens with food to eat, places to go, movies to watch. I want to experience everything, and I don’t care in what order I do it. It will all happen eventually. Or at least, most of the time, that’s how it seems. But with these huge decisions, I just get freaked out. I look at the pros and the cons, and I know in my heart what I really want (I refer to it as my “McCoy”), but my brain always seems to chip in with its ideas of what would be better in the long-run (my “Spock.”). It sucks. Sometimes I try to stick out a bad situation, thinking that once I get through it, everything will be fine. That’s why I tried to stay in student teaching and work it out. I thought that if I just got through it, I’d graduate and be a better person and have more options for career choices and I wouldn’t have to do teaching if I didn’t want to. I didn’t have a choice in the end. After working in a harsh environment with an abusive supervising teacher, angry teenagers who hated on me every day, and a university supervisor who ignored the warning signs, I caved. I couldn’t do it.

I didn’t really want to do student teaching, and in a roundabout way, I didn’t have to do it anymore, though it wasn’t necessarily my choice to go how I did. I was kicked out (though they won’t use that term, it’s basically what happened). I wasted time, a lot of money, and I withstood psychological abuse to get where I am now, which isn’t even that glamorous.

And it’s only getting worse.

I mentioned before that I was having a hard time deciding between a job that would pay me money and a job that would make me happy. I consulted friends and family members for advice, and everyone had good points – and points that I had made in my own deductions. I know that no one else can make a decision for me, and that I am solely responsible for my own decisions. Well, anyway, I was worrying about this decision so much that it was making me sick. It was harder to sleep, I was worried. I went to go meet Alex in Greenfield on Thursday, and I would normally be excited, but I just felt so dead inside. He had brought Scott along as a surprise, which was nice, but I only got to spend an hour with them, when I had expected more. I don’t even know how I drove home, to be honest. I was so upset. I spent the rest of the evening in a funk. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t even want to talk to Alex. I felt so miserable and full of self-loathing. I thought of how worthless I was, how I had to go to this job because no one else would hire me and I was a total loser. I think it is the worst I’ve felt in a long time.

I did call Alex, though. It was 11:00 at night, and he had just woken up after an unexpected nap and had missed dinner. We ended up spontaneously meeting up at the same place we had met earlier, but at midnight. We had dinner together, a chance to redo our date. We talked and I felt a lot better, lighter. I drove home happy in the pouring rain, blasting LCD Soundsystem while going through sleepy little towns.

On Friday, I went to orientation for the high-paying job that I waited three months for. Yeah, that’s right. The testing and interview process was swift. They said they wanted me. But then they made me wait three months. It was so they could get a “class” of what seemed to be about fifteen people for orientation. I went up to the place last Friday for orientation, and within the first twenty minutes, while we were listening to the guy talk while we followed along on our own handout, I realized that this job would be horrible for me. Yeah, I know, you have to start somewhere, but I could see no way how I would actually be able to get out of this place if I wanted to. I don’t even know how long my assignment would last. They could have brought me in for training, and then let me go after the first week. I would hate to wait three months only to work a week.

I sat through over an hour of this orientation when I finally saw a break and was able to get the supervisor aside and tell him I didn’t want the job. He wanted to know why, and I said, “Well, I thought I wanted it, but I really didn’t.” I actually felt quite at peace with my decision.

I may be too prideful, or delusional, or I don’t know. I know, it’s crazy. But I believe that I will find something better, one day. Someday, I will earn the exact same amount of money – or more – in a job that I enjoy, rather than one would make me hate myself every day.

In the meantime while I find a job, I’m trying to keep myself busy – again. Today, Alex and I went to Petsmart and looked at the kitties (SO CUTE!), went bowling, and had ice cream cones at Good’s before he left about two hours ago. I’m leaving tomorrow for Cincinnati. My aunt Jo was bugging me to come visit her. She’ll pay me if I clean and organize her sewing studio (and there’s a bonus if I find her stereo remote!). Stella, the dog that she and Uncle Dave adopted, will be coming home on Wednesday, so I’ll be the first to meet her. I’ll be in Cincy until Friday, and then I’m going to visit my (maternal) grandparents and see if I can keep myself busy at their church festival until Sunday morning. I’ll stop at my (paternal) grandparents’ house on Sunday for a short visit and lunch on my way to Muncie, where I’ll be hanging out with friends, a full loop.

So that’s how things go…

I’ve been long overdue for an update – a real update, not the “oh woe is me” blurb I posted a few days ago. However, the timeline has gotten quite hazy for me, so I will try my best to relate what has happened to me in the past month or so.

You know the beginning – March 18, I left Central for good. I went back to P-town. I formally withdrew from my student teaching courses, and then freaked the hell out. It took me about five days before I realized that my entire life, I’ve always thought I knew what I wanted to do. Turns out, I don’t. I would have been miserable as a public school teacher, unless I was in a district that reflected my small-town upbringing. Plus, I had the added pressure from my mother, who told me when I was in middle school and high school that I could not make a living as a poet/writer… I understand her intentions to encourage me to have a more profitable profession, but it was rather disappointing to hear.

Enough of that. Speed up to April 5th. To be completely honest, I don’t remember anything notable between March 18th and April 5th. A lot of recuperation, really. But then, on April 5th, Alex, Tanner, and I went to see Electric Six play at Birdy’s. It was so nice that they were performing only about an hour and a half away this time, rather than three and a half hours. I managed to drag Alex and Tanner into the crowd with me, and I finagled my way up to the front of the stage. We met some people who were also at the Covington show, including a couple. The woman asked me, “When did you first hear about Electric Six?” and I said, “Well, I was in eighth grade when Fire came out…”

She said I made her feel old. Haha.

It was even better than the last show. They played “Pink Flamingos” and “Clusterfuck!” and I went nuts. It would have been even better had people not decided to start moshing during “Gay Bar.” I know it is one of Electric Six’s best known songs (besides “Danger! High Voltage!” of course), but moshing? Really?

At least I didn’t almost die this time, and we got out a little after midnight, compared the Covington show. I swear, if their ticket prices are always this cheap, I will always go see Electric Six when they come to town.

I drove Tanner back up to school since it was a Tuesday night, and then I crashed at my house. Mom woke me up before she left so she could see me for a little bit. I smelled and felt like I had smoked an entire pack of cigarettes the night before, and my legs ached so much from all the dancing I did, I wanted to amputate them. I still had a smile on my face, though!

Later that day, I drove down to Lexington. Three and a half hours to my dad’s. It was my first solo road-trip, and my first time seeing the new house after Dad, Cindy, David and Alex moved during the summer before my sophomore year. My trip was long overdue. My brothers were on spring break, so I decided I should come down and hang out with them. I made it there by the early evening on Wednesday.

After dinner, we went to get dessert at a frozen yogurt place called Orange Leaf, which I had never heard of before but was immediately smitten with it. When we were leaving and I was singing the praises of delicious frozen yogurt that I pay for buy the ounce and mix flavors and toppings when my little brother, Alex, said, “If you like it so much, that means you’ll visit more often, right?” Cute kid. The story gets better.

Dad and I took a separate vehicle and went to Half-Price Books. Laugh at me all you want, but I had never been to a Half-Price Books before. I wanted EVERYTHING. Luckily, I kept myself in check. But I still wanted it all. I ended up getting a knitting book (Pretty in Punk), Ender’s Game, Something Wicked This Way Comes, a collection of Rudyard Kipling horror tales, and a live Depeche Mode CD I didn’t have (Songs of Faith and Devotion Live). Heaven.

We came home, and Cindy said that Alex had spent the car ride back creating a plan for me. He said that I could come live with them, since there is a spare bedroom, and I could either work in a school or a library or go to school at University of Kentucky, and then I could spend more time with them.

My eight-year-old brother came up with this. At first I laughed about how cute it was. But later that night, I looked up University of Kentucky; they have a library science program, and were accepting applications. My only problem was that, since my original plan did not include graduate school, I hadn’t taken the GRE, so I will need to take that sometime in the next few months and then apply for next year, as well as apply for a graduate assistantship.

But what matters here is that it is a viable plan, and I’m considering it. It sounds a lot better than anything else I’ve tried to figure out for myself. It will probably be a year or two before this plan comes to fruition, and it will be a greater distance for me and Alex to deal with in our relationship, but I think I’d be happier and stronger for it. I’ve missed a lot of my brothers’ lives, and of my dad’s life. It might be about time for me to change my scenery, anyhow.

Still trucking along… lots of work going on. I have completed most of my unit plan, and I hope to finish it all by tomorrow night. The due date was pushed back to Sunday, but I don’t want to work on it this weekend. Alex is going to be here, and since the last time we saw each other we didn’t get much time together, I’m going to make sure we get some quality time.

In addition to this unit plan, I had to read nine chapters of David Copperfield for tomorrow. Bleh. We’ve got more to read for next Tuesday. It wouldn’t be so bad except for the fact that I don’t have time to read.

Dear Charles Dickens,

Your books aren’t that bad, they’re just too long for my time constraints. My Victorian British lit class is not my life. My work and practicum are. So, you’re going to have to be put on the back burner. I hope you understand. If not, you suck and will have to deal with it.

Thanks,

Sam

Also, our cable is acting weird.

So yeah, Comcast?

Please get your shit together. First it was our sucky Internet. Now it’s no Syfy, Cartoon Network, Comedy Central, USA and Animal Planet. And we need that to be happy, sort of. Or at least, it makes my roommates happy. But I don’t mind it either.

Thanks,

Sam

But overall, I’d say things are looking up. Life is good. My practicum is canceled for the next two days so I can sleep in a little be productive. Tomorrow, I think I might go grocery shopping. I won’t actually have to be on campus until 12:30. Yes!

Also, we’re watching the Baz Luhrman’s Romeo + Juliet in my other non-David Copperfield Brit Lit class. I’ve never seen it, but it’s effin’ ridiculous so far. I just cracked up during the first five minutes. I love Moulin Rouge and John Leguizamo is awesome, but wow.  I can’t decide – it’s like, so bad it’s good, or so imaginative I’m blown away. I really like the use of Shakespearean dialogue in a modern setting. It’s really amusing.

Another great thing – I can knit while watching the movie! I’ve started another project on top of the four I’m already doing. It’s another scarf, go figure! But it’s with some of the nice alpaca yarn Alex’s mom gave me. It’s so gorgeous. I’m happy about it.

Two last things to be happy about? I finally caught up on Mad Men and Glee, and I only have Thursday standing in the way between me and my Alex. He’s bringing me a pie.

Dear Boyfriend,

I love you. I miss you. Friday can’t come soon enough.

Love,

Sam.

Crazy week. Jess had her friend Robbie visiting us twice this week. That’s actually how I didn’t finish Twin Peaks until Tuesday, but that’s okay.

I’ve been working out more with Sarah. We did it on Tuesday, Wednesday (sort of), Thursday, and Friday. When I got off the stair step/elliptical machine yesterday, it was slowing down, but one of the pedals hit me in the ankle hard. The spot of contact immediately turned purple. It lessened, but the pain has become worse. I have a cut where the pedal hit me, and then that whole section of my ankle is swollen. I think there’s even a part of it that’s blue. It’s nasty, and hard to walk with. It’s hard to bike with, too. I had to cancel working out today because all I can do is hobble.

When I talked to Alex tonight, when we were saying goodbye, he said, “Try not to hurt yourself anymore!” and we laughed. I am such a klutz. Last summer, it was a broken toe. This summer, my hurt ankle. What next?

I’ve been getting into Mad Men recently. I finished the first season in about two days, I’d say, and I watched a few episodes of the second season tonight. I love it – the complex characters, the authenticity, the clothing, everything. It’s so beautiful, despite my wanting to strangle the male characters whenever they say or do something sexist. That was the time, though.

Work has been going well. We’re moving everything right now because new carpeting is going to be put down soon, so it’s somewhat chaotic, but it hasn’t been too bad. I actually had to work today, which was weird. I haven’t worked a Saturday shift in two, almost three weeks. It was quiet. My apartment’s quiet too, since Jess is gone for the weekend. It’s not bad, only a little lonely. I get paranoid in when there’s no one else around.

Since I had to work, Alex didn’t come up. That’s okay, though, since he’s been up here the past two weekends and I’ve loved having him every minute of it. Plus, if he was here I wouldn’t be able to focus on my big paper that’s due in two weeks. I did a twenty-source annotated bibliography today. It took me four hours after work and lunch. My eyeballs wanted to fall out at the end, and I’m pretty sure my computer died for a moment because the screen went black, but it’s done save for some minor editing! Woo!

As for books, I finished Stranger in a Strange Land (eh) and now I’m reading Watership Down (like it). I should be finished with that in a few days, and most of the books on my reading list are checked out currently, so I’m trying to find a few new suggestions.

I’m getting much accomplished knitting-wise, too. I did a hat to match my mittens and scarf. It took me only a few hours, and it looks great. I have a good portion of my sweater done, too. I hope it turns out all right, since the pattern is rather difficult to follow.

I’m watching Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me right now. I got it through Interlibrary Loan. I was super excited for it, but it’s just bizarre. I think it goes well with the book – The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer – but if you’re going off just the series, it’s still confusing. I think David Lynch just wanted the excuse to show nudity, have cursing, and Sheryl Lee screaming a lot. I’m sure the guys downstairs (if they’re there) are just loving the random bloodcurdling screams coming from up here. Anyway, this is probably the last time I watch this movie… rather disappointing for such a good series.

On Friday, I had my last shift at work for a week or so, and then I sat down in the Student Center with a Frappuccino and the Grapes of Wrath. It’s an okay book, but had I read it in high school like a bunch of my friends, I would have hated it. I like this particular passage, though:

“When the night came again, it was black night, for the stars could not pierce the dust to get down, and the window lights could not even spread beyond their own yards. Now the dust was evenly mixed with the air, an emulsion of dust and air. Houses were shut tight, and cloth wedged around doors and windows, but the dust came in so thinly that it could not be seen in the air, and it settled like pollen on the chairs and tables, on the dishes. The people brushed it from their shoulders. Little lines of dust lay at the door sills.” (5)

Steinbeck sure knew how to paint scenery, but it makes reading this book a drag sometimes. Hope to finish it tomorrow. I have a lot of books to read this summer, and that’s not even counting the ones for class.

After I packed for a bit, Alex helped me get some of my things over to Jess’s apartment. I love that girl, and I can’t wait to live with her again even if it is for only a short time. I had to say goodbye to Alex around that time, too, since he had to pack and go home.

I sat around the lounge for a few hours and talked with friends I haven’t really had the chance to see all year (because I’m a recluse). I feel terrible that I couldn’t have taken the time to hang out with them before.

My mom and grandparents made it up to the dorm around 6:30. I wasn’t in the best of moods. All I wanted to do was leave. I was tired of being there, in that dorm, on that campus, in that city. I had been ready to leave for months.

We finally packed the van, and then I had to sweep and mop the floor of my room. I accidentally tipped the mop bucket over and spilled dirty water all over the place. It was a disaster. Mom came up and helped me clean it up, though, and I finally got to check out. We were starving, so we went to Steak ‘n’ Shake for dinner.

When we got to the house, I went to bed early and slept for about 12 hours. My grandparents left, and I basically sat around the house, knitting and reading. I stayed up to watch Saturday Night Live just because of Betty White and all the returning female alums, and it was a great episode compared to the ones they’ve been showing in the past couple years.

Sunday, I slept for ten hours and bummed around the house some more. I finally got to doing laundry, but I didn’t shower or change out of my pajamas. Mom liked her mother’s day gift, though, and so that was nice.

Today, I’ve been a bum still. I did one last load of laundry, and I’ve been reading and knitting Alex’s Companion Cube. It looks so good, but I can’t wait until it’s done. I miss my quick-to-gratify projects – which, speaking of, I may be completing a quick sewing project soon, if I can motivate myself to do it. However, I think cleaning my room may be the next task I have to tackle before I return to school.

Being home hasn’t been bad so far. Mom and I have argued a little bit, but nothing much. She keeps telling me I can’t save the world, but I’m not trying to do that – rather, I’m trying to save my world, and what matters to me. It’s difficult, and I’m not quite sure what the future holds. So it goes, you know.

I know I haven’t written anything in a while. It’s been a busy week. I just wanted to write a quick thing about last weekend, and then the next post should (hopefully be about this week).

After a long, emotionally draining week, I had grilled garlic mashed potato, cheddar, and bacon sandwiches courtesy of Sarah and Thom. It sounds bizarre, I know, but don’t knock it until you try it. It’s surprisingly amazing.

I went back to my room and did some work, though I was distracted by Peggle Nights, which I recently got for free. Damn you, Peggle, and your addicting ways!

I switched shifts with Amanda last weekend so she would pick up this coming Saturday’s hours, and then because of absent workers, picked up an extra hour as well. We weren’t too busy, so I got some homework done, but I do think it is frustrating when I can’t really work because I’m the only assistant there. I went back to my room and cleaned it, and also took a nap.

Alex and I went to Steak ‘n’ Shake for dinner, and it was delicious and well-deserved. Then we returned to my room and watched A Fish Called Wanda. I had never seen it before, but I laughed a lot.

Sunday, I did more homework. I wrote a four-page paper on William S. Burroughs and the impact of his wife’s murder (which he committed) affected his writing. Very interesting topic. Burroughs is quite a crazy character. Then I found a book called Move Under Ground, which has Ginsberg, Kerouac, and Burroughs fighting Cthulhu. AWESOME! I haven’t started reading it yet, but I hope to.

Coincidentally, after Alex and I made very odd-shaped cookies (they were chocolate chip cookies in the shapes of animals – before baking), I ended up playing Arkham Horror with Matt, Alex, Geldes, and Thom on Sunday night. We beat the Elder God, but it was late when we finished. I enjoyed it, though, even if it is long and I’m not very good at board games.

That’s all for now. Must run to class. I’m so glad it’s Friday!

I don’t know why I feel the way I do right now. Wait. That’s a lie. I know why I feel  the way I do, I just don’t know how I feel about what I feel, and I don’t want to feel the way I feel anymore.

Got that?

Yeah, let me explain. I’m in a foul mood. Not angry, but rather depressed. For three years, I’ve taken teaching and English courses, and I have always expected to be an English teacher. But after three years, I don’t want to be a teacher. After a mishap in one of my English-teaching crossover classes this week, I called my mom, bawling and saying I didn’t want to do education. I love English, I love it to death. I just know that having a bachelor’s degree in English will probably lead to an early death – one that’s caused by living in cardboard boxes and scrounging for food money on the cold streets.

I know it shouldn’t matter. They always say you should do what you want to do, but then they say that the only way to be happy is to have a steady income. I want to have a way where I can have both.

I don’t know what I’m good at, I don’t know what I want to do. Some days, I just want to lay down and die. Today is one of those days. I work tomorrow. I have a paper to write over William S. Burroughs this weekend, a book to read (if it ever shows up), stupid test questions to revise that I know will never be good enough, a multigenre paper that isn’t good enough, and write a scene that I hope will be good enough. Well, I don’t want to do any of it.

I am so depressed, I don’t think I’ve shaved my legs in a week. And that’s really gross. I need to change that tomorrow.

There are plenty of other things I want to do. I finally started on my mittens last night. They’re the “Bella” mittens, but I vehemently hate Twilight. Though I think when they’re done, they’ll be beautiful and match my newest scarf perfectly. I’d really rather knit. I’m afraid I might have to give Alex my knitting bag for the night so I’ll do some work.

I’m sad that the Olympics are almost over. I love curling. I want to learn how to curl, and then become a professional curler.

I want to read The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks, because even though it is for my young adult literature class, I still love that all the books in there are books I want to read, not books I just have to read for class. I love all the feminist theories that could go with that book, and it’s weird, too, because I see a lot of myself in Frankie.

Most of all, I just want to do what I want and be happy. I swear, not all of my life is a bore and a shame. There is a lot of good in it, I’m just going through a sucky time. On a happy note, I can’t wait to do all the other things I have planned for this weekend. Alex and I are celebrating our anniversary and doing some fun things, since I’m not sick like I was last weekend and we can. I’m also completely stoked for Spring Break – I just have to survive a week. A group of us are going to South Carolina, and I definitely need some relax time away from the great frigid state of Indiana.

Since I am back at school and classes start in two days, I figured I would just summarize what I did during (not quite) three months since the spring semester ended.

I worked a lot at Educational Resources.
I slept on Lemmy and Dom’s couch.
I survived on bagels. Lots and lots of bagels.
I spent a lot of nights with Alex, but we had some good times when we both weren’t busy.
I played an unsuccessful campaign of Shadowrun.
I broke the baby toe on my left foot.
I took the writing competency exam and the Praxis I – giving me the ability to graduate and go on to higher level education courses.
I watched the first season of the Big Bang Theory, the entire series of Arrested Development, and most of the series of Sliders.
I baked honey-peanut butter cookies, peach cookies, and blueberry-goat cheese muffins.
I made a kusudama flower ball.
I visited my dad, Cindy, David, and Alex as they made their transition to their new house in Kentucky.
I knit:
* A bag for my former roommate, Jess
* Two hats
* A scarf
* A cowl
* A saber-toothed lime
* …and started a sweater.
I (mostly) made a dress.
I read:
* Go Ask Alice (reread)
* Frankenstein
* Dracula
* Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
* The Picture of Dorian Gray
* Peter Pan
* The Bell Jar
* On the Road
* Pygmy
* Catcher in the Rye (reread)
* The Jungle
* Catch-22
* Slaughter-House Five
* A Brief History of Time
* Walden
* The Fountainhead
* Night
* Into the Wild
* Cat’s Cradle
* Franny and Zooey
* Dandelion Wine

So, as you can tell by this, I like making lists (a lot) and you know what I was doing the majority of this summer…