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It’s August. I can’t believe it’s already August. Of course, time flies when you think you have all the time in the world. Three months ago – hell, it’s more like five months ago, I thought, “I’ll take a year off, get some work, and then go to grad school!” Now? Well, my notices for student loan payments are coming in. I’m still unemployed. I feel my dreams of getting my masters in library science are slipping away. Mom and I fight at least once or twice a week, when we rarely fought once we moved here six years ago.

I’m sad. Others who have recently graduated, like myself, are finding jobs. Alex finally got something after what seems like two years of searching, which I’m happy about. If my peers aren’t getting employed, they’re going back to school – grad school, another year of undergrad; some people, like my friend Jennifer, have both work and school to look forward to. There are so many other milestones people are hitting in their own lives, and what do I have to show?

Nothing.

I don’t have much to say as of late. What’s new to talk about, really? Yes, I’m utilizing the time I have by searching for a job, exercising, writing, reading, and doing crafty things, but I really can’t be too excited when it’s the same thing, day after day. I’m going to a family reunion this weekend, and people are going to ask me what I’m up to, and I truly won’t have anything to note. I can sum up my life in a few words. No one’s going to care. I’m not interesting.

I often wonder why I keep this blog around. I originally intended to use it as a book review blog. I did it once. Although I can say that I’ve read enough books in the past five months that could last several posts if I wanted to pick that up again. Then, this became a somewhat outlet for my crafty ventures. Now, it’s a sad mess.

I just feel like life is passing me by, time is passing me by. I think I’m just going to get pushed to the side and disappear, like, if I don’t do something with my life, I don’t exist.

I mean, I know I do stuff other than write, read, craft, and mope. In the past weeks I honestly haven’t done much besides that, though. I look back on this whole summer, which was full of opportunity and excitement, and I feel like I have just wasted it.

Alex’s car is still in the shop, so I’ve come down and visited him a few times, and he’s been able to get a ride up to my house at other times. Our visits are sparse and public. Once he starts working, I’ll probably only see him on the weekends, like it was when I was at school last year, only I’m living at home. I hope his car is repaired soon, though. I know how much he loves driving and he loves his car. Plus, if I drive him, he’ll get motion sick, and I always feel bad about that.

We went up to Muncie with Scott this past Sunday for Scott’s birthday. It was a small gathering, but nice. I brought brownies I had made late night before. We chatted and I knit, and I ended up being the designated driver for the night. What I didn’t foresee was when we went out to the Locker Room, we were having a great time until I had an allergic reaction. For dinner that night, Alex and I cooked up what was on the menu – salmon, green beans, and cheesy garlic biscuits. It was all delicious. I had only had salmon once before, and I had a reaction that time, but I thought I was in the clear this time. I felt great, but then suddenly, I found myself sneezing, itching, swelling, and wheezing, among some other symptoms. I am now, without a doubt, allergic to salmon. There’s something in it that, when in my digestive system and it’s being broken down, it causes my body to react. It’s so strange, though, since it isn’t immediate – it takes about six hours for the reaction to kick in.

Nothing’s scarier than having to drive home while your face is swelling and every breath you take is a ghastly wheeze. I stayed calm and we got back to Krista’s apartment safely, but every time we stopped at a stop sign and no one was around, I’d have to scratch my back and arms. I was miserable. When we got back, everyone was really helpful. I could barely get out of the driver’s seat because I was weak, and Alex helped me out. Krista and Derek ran up and got the Benedryl I luckily had in my backpack, and Nick held open the doors for us. I am lucky to have such good friends. It took a while to recover, and everyone went to bed, but Alex stayed with me on the couch until I was comfortable enough to sleep. Being with him was probably the best part of that weekend.

Anyway, like I said, nothing much else has been going on. I attempted and succeeded in my first embroidery project. I’ll share it when it’s framed, and possibly after Alex’s birthday, since it’s for him and I want it to be a surprise. As I also stated before, I’m going to a family reunion this weekend. Something to keep me busy while my friends and boyfriend are having a great time at GenCon. I wanted to go last year, but didn’t have transportation. This year, I thought I would have a job that would prevent me from going, though I didn’t really have the money to go, either. Oh well. The only consolation I have is that I’m not missing Wil Wheaton this year, since he’s not visiting, though I missed meeting him last year. It just makes me feel even more sucky, since I’m not getting out and doing anything interesting. The State Fair is starting this weekend, too, and I’m going to miss most of it because I’ll be out of state.

The reunion should be… interesting. I guess. I don’t know. I feel weird about going, but I feel that it would be a good alternative to staying home and getting into an argument with my mom. On Sunday, I’ll be driving down to Lexington. I’ll be watching my brothers for the next week and a half because they’ll be starting school soon. David starts sixth grade on Wednesday, and Alex will be in third grade, I do believe. That doesn’t start until the following week. It’ll be good to see them.

Until next time.

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I guess it’s been a busy week or so. On Tuesday ( the 12th), I packed the car, did some errands, and then drove to Cincinnati to visit my aunt Jo and uncle Dave. The drive was not bad. I listened to Yelle and Madonna, and I tried to not get killed by stupid people on the roadways. One person tried to merge while I was right beside him, and he honked his horn. I checked my other side, moved over, and sped up. Then, he followed me closely, tail-gating me. I was super uncomfortable and wished I could punch this person in the face because whatever rush he was in, no matter what it was for, it did not matter compared to my LIFE.

I arrived there a little bit before dinner, which was a black bean /avocado/poblano wrap and I helped Aunt Jo prepare it. When Uncle Dave came home, she left to go to a meeting, and Uncle Dave and I had dinner together. It was tasty. Then, I went downstairs to get some work done, trying to take the flowers off these purple velvet drapes Aunt Jo had made. I listened to Soma.fm while doing it, and got almost two hours of work done. When Aunt Jo came home, I stopped and we had ice cream.

I went up to bed around 10:00 and talked to Alex. Then, I read some of The Tales of Beedle the Bard, which was my aunt’s and I had never read it before. I only got through one story and fell asleep. I was very tired from the drive and the work.

Wednesday, I did some more flower removal and business card sorting. I did that for a total of eight hours or so. Aunt Jo and Uncle Dave also got Stella on that day. She is a retired racing greyhound, and she is very shy since she does not know how to be a pet yet, but she is adorable. I think she is a big sweetheart, and Aunt Jo and Uncle Dave finally have a “child” of their own to take care of, since I have been the baby of the family for the past twenty-two years.

I also finished reading The Tales of Beedle the Bard that evening. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I miss so much about Harry Potter. I wish I could have gone to the midnight showing of the last film Thursday evening, but I could not. Plus, I would not want to be in a packed theater like the time I went to see Goblet of Fire during opening weekend.

Thursday, I woke up around 7:00 and had a breakfast of turkey sausage and chocolate chunk scones that I had helped Aunt Jo make. Iwas busy all day doing business card stuff. I scanned them and sorted them in Aunt Jo’s database, I took all the bookmarks and labels out of her books, and together, we finally got the last of the flowers removed from the purple velvet drapes.

We also spent a lot of time trying to get Stella acclimated to her new home. She seemed to have taken a shine to me, and liked it when I pet her. She wouldn’t eat that much, which was worrisome. Stella’s funny, though. I went upstairs to talk to Aunt Jo, and when I turned around, Stella was at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at me. She also stood on the newspaper while Aunt Jo was trying to read it.

I worked a total of nineteen hours while I was visiting, and I also helped Aunt Jo with one of her projects for school before I left on Friday morning. I drove out of Cincinnati to Fairborn, and let me just say, I hate, hate, HATE driving in Cincinnati. Coming in was not so bad, but when I was going north out of the city, it felt like I was having an ulcer and a heart attack. My hands were shaking. I felt sick. I was so glad to be out of it.

I drove up through Dayton, about forty miles all the way. I thought of my childhood while listening to the Juno soundtrack and David Bowie. I was born in Dayton, and so even though I have not lived there in over seventeen years, it still has a special place in my heart. I remember the Air Force Museum, which Alex and I visited on a camping trip once. There were just so many familiar things to me as I was driving, and I missed it a little bit. My life is good now, and I do not think the life I have now would be anything like the life that I would have lived had my parents actually stayed together. So in a way, everything works out.

Anyway, I made it to my grandparents’ house. Grandpa was at the festival already, so Grandma and I had lunch. She was baking bread, and then she took a nap later. I tried to take a nap. It didn’t work. I sat out on the back patio, mooching their neighbor’s wireless and surfed the Internet until she woke up. We did have coffee, though. I had so much coffee.

We left around 5:30 and dropped some books and movies off at the library, then we went to the festival run by their church, which started at 6:00. Grandma and Grandpa have worked at every festival for the last thirty-five years, and Grandpa used to be one of the head workers there. He stepped down a few years ago, but he is still very active in it. I have been to the festival since I was very young. Mom used to take me and put me on the kiddie rides, or get my face painted. My attendance, however, had been sporadic. I can’t remember the last time I went to one of them – probably when I was a sullen teenager, since I know it wasn’t in the last four years.

Now, since I am an adult, I don’t go for the kiddie rides or the games or the face painting. There’s crafts and a flea market to look at, and a book booth that has always been a hit for my family. I browsed the selection and didn’t see anything I really wanted, but I did keep tabs on a few books, though in the end, I didn’t buy anything.

On Friday evening, we ate with Ed and Mary and I had a pulled pork sandwich with French fries. It was a good choice. I spent the most of the night chatting and counting money in the air-conditioned office. It was my second time doing it, and it was a lot of fun. It was even more fun to come across people who have known me since I was small, and gasping at the young woman I am now. It makes me laugh. I also like seeing the different generations. For instance, if my mom could have made it, we would have three generations at the festival this year. As it stands, another family had the grandmother, the mother, and her son in his first year as a counter. It’s very interesting, but it does go to show how big this festival is for some people.

Grandma sent me down for a funnel cake, and we shared that. It was good, though rather pricey. I also got to talk to Alex, though that wasn’t until midnight, and we were still at the festival. I went out into the hall, and I noticed they were filing out with the money and they started turning the lights out in the hallway. I thought they were going to leave me! They were just going to the bank, though, and I stayed in the office until Grandma and Grandpa came back.

We got home around 1:00, and then we had ice cream. Yeah, I kid you not. My grandparents are awesome. They also gave me a belated graduation present.

I finally had the chance to sleep in on Saturday morning. I needed it, for sure. I got up and sat out on the back patio again, and I ended up talking to Teddy. He got a job near Lafayette, so he cut his trip out West short.

I helped my grandma bake lemon coconut bars and two batches of brownies for the festival. She took a nap afterward, but I have trouble taking naps, so I just stayed awake and knitted and watched television. Grandpa was already at the festival, he was there all day. We went around 5:30 and looked through the vendors’ tent, the book booth, and Bars & Bells. Grandma and I played some Bars & Bells – it was my first time, and I won twenty-five dollars! I was super excited about that.

I had a meatball sandwich for dinner – my favorite festival fare. I hung out in the office for a while, knitting, talking, counting money, whatever. It was hot and muggy outside, so the air conditioned office was a haven. I met Joe and Ben, who’s grandparents are part of the festival like mine. They’re nice guys.

Later, Grandma and I grabbed some pie and coffee. I spilled hot coffee on my hand and part of my shirt, so that was embarrassing, but the sugar cream pie I got was good. We did some more time in the office, and I was just going to hang in there and knit, but Joe, Ben, and Courtney invited me to join them. They were meeting a friend and going on a ride. I decided to join them. We all pitched in four dollars and bought a sheet of tickets, though between the five of us (including the friend, Mary), we could only ride one ride, the Sizzler (“The Scrambler” everywhere else). I crammed into a car with Joe and Courtney, and I felt embarrassed about my big hips. We could barely squeeze in together. I was so much bigger than Courtney and Mary, and about as tall as the boys. Then, I thought about my age. Joe would be eighteen, Courtney, seventeen. Ben is a sophomore at the University of Cincinnati, and so that would probably make him nineteen. I’m twenty-two, old enough to drink and at least three years older than all of them. I felt awkward. They didn’t treat me as so, but I felt self-conscious, like I needed my own kind. I invited Alex to come to the festival next year so maybe I won’t feel that way again. Hopefully, that’s a possibility.

After the ride and splitting off from the others, I joined Grandpa on a run. I picked up money from the booths and ran it over, escorted by a deputy. It was my first time and I felt very important! I also passed out bags before the last hour of the festival, also a first. I spent the rest of the evening counting, though I took a break to call Alex. After midnight, I went with Grandpa, Kim, and a deputy to the bank to deposit money. I felt even more important! I was super giddy because I had never done anything like that before.

 

We got home a little earlier than the previous night, and then we had ice cream. I had a hard time falling asleep and had “The Name Game” going on in my head. Crazy. I did sleep, though it was hard to get up at 7:00 in the morning after a late night. I went with Grandma and Grandpa to church, and then helped get some things together for the festival. I said goodbye to Grandpa, and Grandma and I went back home. I had some coffee and read some of the newspaper. Then, I packed up my car and drove to Richmond, where I met up with my paternal grandparents.

Grandma and Grandpa treated me to lunch at Applebee’s, which I requested because I knew I could get a nice salad there. We came back home, did some visiting, and had some ice cream. I was going to head to Muncie, but I realized how tired I was. I took a nap because I thought I would be at Muncie late. It was interrupted because Alex texted me. His car overheated in Fortville, so he couldn’t make it to Muncie. Another one of our meetings thwarted.

I spent some more time with Grandma and Grandpa, and around 4:00 I headed off towards Muncie. It took me about an hour to get to Krista’s apartment, and we talked and watched the first episode of the new season of True Blood, since she hadn’t seen it. Robin came up to visit, too, and we went to Wal-Mart and got pizzas. It was tasty, and nice because I really didn’t feel like doing any tough cooking tonight. We watched The Birdcage, and after that, I decided it was time to come home.

Overall, I’d say it was a great trip. I saw and experienced a lot of different things, and came home with brownies, scones, zucchini, green peppers, rhubarb, yellow squash, storage containers, three knitting books, and a small sum of cash. Most of all, though, I got to spend some time with my family. And a deputy. And I got to sing in my car at the top of my lungs.

More car problems plagued us, though. Mom’s clutch went out, and so I had to drive her to work on Monday and Tuesday and pick her up, which I wasn’t too pleased about. At least not on Monday, since I was exhausted from my trip.

The good news is that got fixed, and hopefully, in a few weeks, Alex’s car will be fixed, too. I got to see him on Wednesday, and we went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2, and had dinner with his parents. I also got to see him this weekend. That was pretty much the only notable thing this past week, besides seeing my girls for So You Think You Can Dance on Wednesday as well. Anyway, though we didn’t do anything too interesting, it was just nice to be with him. I took him home this morning, and I miss him already.

 

So yeah, lots of stuff going on, that’s why I haven’t been here that much (that, and utter laziness). That’s all.

Well, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted here, so I figured it was about time. It’s been an interesting time between then and now – okay, not all of it, but some of it. The weekend following the post I wrote was really good. My grandparents showed up on the 23rd and spent the weekend with us. There was a Half-Price Books Clearance Sale at the State Fairgrounds, so we went. I shouldn’t have bought any books, but not a single item was over $3, so I took that opportunity. I bought fifteen books – about $180 at new retail price – for $19. So it was a great deal… and now I have about thirty books I own that I have never read. I’m working on it. After the book sale, we went to Monical’s Pizza for lunch and then took a tour of my mom’s work. She’s been there a year and they had an open house. It was nice to finally see the inside.

On that Sunday, my grandparents left and Alex, Scott, and I went up to Muncie for Thom’s birthday. Alex made falafel and I made jalapeno poppers and sangria. Of course, the sangria was solely for me. It was really good for a first-time recipe. It was a real good time, and I was glad to see everyone.

I’m trying to think about everything else that’s gone on, but it’s hard. I spend a lot of time around the house – reading, knitting, writing, watching television, avoiding things that I actually want and need to do, like clean my room, because I’m not motivated. I’ve read quite a few books lately, like I said before. I most recently finished The Awakening, and today I hope to finish Mrs. Dalloway. I’ve started knitting my final charity blanket, I finished a second pair of socks and have been working on two stuffed elephants for two babies.

The Fourth of July was good. Mom and I watched movies all weekend, and Alex came up and we played Frisbee and ate dinner with my mom. We drove to Anderson and sat in an empty parking lot watching the fireworks from my car and eating Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream. I’ve had some pretty good days. On Wednesday nights, I go over to Jennifer’s and we watch So You Think You Can Dance. This past Wednesday, we swam at her grandparents’ house, ate pizza for dinner, and had Good’s ice cream for dessert.

Not too much more happening, I’m afraid, unless you were to ask my brain. My brain would tell you that it is tired of this shit. It’s hard to sleep anymore because even though I’m tired, my mind still won’t stop working.

Lately, I’ve been conflicted with things. Things I want, things I don’t want, things that I should do, things that are rational. A job that will pay me a lot, or a job that will satisfy me in every way but paying me a lot, to stay local or to abandon my sane, rational inclinations and go out west to meet a friend. I attribute my confusion to my long-term bad habit of not being able to decide. It started as a child because I never wanted to rock the boat, to be demanding, and now it’s developed into, “Well, I’m really comfortable with really any outcome, so I don’t know what to decide.” It happens with food to eat, places to go, movies to watch. I want to experience everything, and I don’t care in what order I do it. It will all happen eventually. Or at least, most of the time, that’s how it seems. But with these huge decisions, I just get freaked out. I look at the pros and the cons, and I know in my heart what I really want (I refer to it as my “McCoy”), but my brain always seems to chip in with its ideas of what would be better in the long-run (my “Spock.”). It sucks. Sometimes I try to stick out a bad situation, thinking that once I get through it, everything will be fine. That’s why I tried to stay in student teaching and work it out. I thought that if I just got through it, I’d graduate and be a better person and have more options for career choices and I wouldn’t have to do teaching if I didn’t want to. I didn’t have a choice in the end. After working in a harsh environment with an abusive supervising teacher, angry teenagers who hated on me every day, and a university supervisor who ignored the warning signs, I caved. I couldn’t do it.

I didn’t really want to do student teaching, and in a roundabout way, I didn’t have to do it anymore, though it wasn’t necessarily my choice to go how I did. I was kicked out (though they won’t use that term, it’s basically what happened). I wasted time, a lot of money, and I withstood psychological abuse to get where I am now, which isn’t even that glamorous.

And it’s only getting worse.

I mentioned before that I was having a hard time deciding between a job that would pay me money and a job that would make me happy. I consulted friends and family members for advice, and everyone had good points – and points that I had made in my own deductions. I know that no one else can make a decision for me, and that I am solely responsible for my own decisions. Well, anyway, I was worrying about this decision so much that it was making me sick. It was harder to sleep, I was worried. I went to go meet Alex in Greenfield on Thursday, and I would normally be excited, but I just felt so dead inside. He had brought Scott along as a surprise, which was nice, but I only got to spend an hour with them, when I had expected more. I don’t even know how I drove home, to be honest. I was so upset. I spent the rest of the evening in a funk. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t even want to talk to Alex. I felt so miserable and full of self-loathing. I thought of how worthless I was, how I had to go to this job because no one else would hire me and I was a total loser. I think it is the worst I’ve felt in a long time.

I did call Alex, though. It was 11:00 at night, and he had just woken up after an unexpected nap and had missed dinner. We ended up spontaneously meeting up at the same place we had met earlier, but at midnight. We had dinner together, a chance to redo our date. We talked and I felt a lot better, lighter. I drove home happy in the pouring rain, blasting LCD Soundsystem while going through sleepy little towns.

On Friday, I went to orientation for the high-paying job that I waited three months for. Yeah, that’s right. The testing and interview process was swift. They said they wanted me. But then they made me wait three months. It was so they could get a “class” of what seemed to be about fifteen people for orientation. I went up to the place last Friday for orientation, and within the first twenty minutes, while we were listening to the guy talk while we followed along on our own handout, I realized that this job would be horrible for me. Yeah, I know, you have to start somewhere, but I could see no way how I would actually be able to get out of this place if I wanted to. I don’t even know how long my assignment would last. They could have brought me in for training, and then let me go after the first week. I would hate to wait three months only to work a week.

I sat through over an hour of this orientation when I finally saw a break and was able to get the supervisor aside and tell him I didn’t want the job. He wanted to know why, and I said, “Well, I thought I wanted it, but I really didn’t.” I actually felt quite at peace with my decision.

I may be too prideful, or delusional, or I don’t know. I know, it’s crazy. But I believe that I will find something better, one day. Someday, I will earn the exact same amount of money – or more – in a job that I enjoy, rather than one would make me hate myself every day.

In the meantime while I find a job, I’m trying to keep myself busy – again. Today, Alex and I went to Petsmart and looked at the kitties (SO CUTE!), went bowling, and had ice cream cones at Good’s before he left about two hours ago. I’m leaving tomorrow for Cincinnati. My aunt Jo was bugging me to come visit her. She’ll pay me if I clean and organize her sewing studio (and there’s a bonus if I find her stereo remote!). Stella, the dog that she and Uncle Dave adopted, will be coming home on Wednesday, so I’ll be the first to meet her. I’ll be in Cincy until Friday, and then I’m going to visit my (maternal) grandparents and see if I can keep myself busy at their church festival until Sunday morning. I’ll stop at my (paternal) grandparents’ house on Sunday for a short visit and lunch on my way to Muncie, where I’ll be hanging out with friends, a full loop.

So that’s how things go…

Yesterday evening around 6:30, Alex and I met up at a shopping center that’s halfway for us. It has a lot of things to do, but we didn’t do much. We met in the bookstore, and we browsed a little, but didn’t buy anything. We walked around the whole center, getting a little wet from rain, but for the most part the weather was good – perhaps a little windy, though. The wind definitely gave my hair the “windswept look,” so much so that often it was in my face.

We walked to the theater, but Alex didn’t want to see anything. It was probably a good idea, though I’m still itching to see Bridesmaids (I don’t want to go alone – I’ve done that before, and I just feel weird), and I’m sort of interested in Super 8. We ended up at Paradise Bakery, and we had something to drink and – more importantly – cookies. Those are really good cookies.

Alex and I attempted to find something else to do, and did a little driving around. It was just nice to be with him, since I don’t know if I’ll see him again this week before Sunday’s festivities for Thom’s birthday. If I do, it will probably be a similar mini-date like last night. I pointed out to him last night as we were saying goodbye that it was like we were starting over, as if we had just met and we wanted to do small dates just to get to know each other all over again. And yet, we’ve been dating for over three years, and we weren’t doing too much talking as we were walking around – just holding hands, enjoying our time together.

I came home and Mom and I were going to watch Bottle Shock, but the DVD we got from Netflix was badly scratched and we couldn’t watch it without stops and skips. We watched a few episodes of True Blood instead, and I tried to work on my sock, but somehow I really messed up the heel flap and turning the heel, and though I tried to go back and fix it, I ended up just unraveling the whole thing. I was mad. You would think that having done a pattern all the way through before wouldn’t be such a problem the second time around.

I woke up earlier today, and I’ve already done some job searching that left me with no good results. Bummer. I’ve got to do some working out and cleaning and reading to do today, too. I think I might finally attempt to get my real bedroom in order; I’ve been sleeping in the guest bedroom because the bed is bigger, but since my grandparents are coming this weekend, I’ll be kicked out.

So many things to do, so much time – so little motivation.

After I wrote that last blog post, i went off to my interview. I walked in, they gave me an application to fill out, and I was led to a room where three other people were filling out their applications. The two other girls were wearing power suits, and the guy was also wearing a suit. I immediately thought of my own outfit, which was a nice blouse and a skirt. I felt out of place immediately. As I filled out the application, I realized that I was not the person that they wanted. I was almost finished with the application when I just – stopped. I stood up and walked out into the lobby, and gave the man in charge back my application packet, explaining that I didn’t feel I was qualified enough. He tried to talk me out of leaving, but I was too upset. I thanked him for the opportunity, and then walked out. I was sobbing before I got back to my car in the parking lot. I sat in my car for a little bit. It was hot, and I was humiliated. It had been my third interview opportunity since graduation, and I just blew it. But I didn’t want to stay however long they needed me to and then wait around for them to say that I wasn’t right for the position, when I knew from the get-go that I wasn’t.

I didn’t want to go back home. I didn’t want to admit to my mom that I just blew it. So I called Alex. He was hanging out with Scott at his house since his car’s battery wasn’t yet replaced. He said I could come over. There was a horrendous mess of construction and accidents, so I ended up in my car for an hour in traffic, sweating, feeling a sense of shame and just being an absolute wreck. Yeah, that was awesome. I was so glad to finally get to Alex’s, though the back of my shirt was soaked with sweat by the time I got there – at least he gave me a shirt of his to wear instead. Scott was still there, and though I hadn’t originally intended on staying for dinner, I was invited to, so I did. It was really nice with Alex, his parents, and Scott there. It gave me a sense of a perfect family moment, and I don’t know when the last time I felt something like that.

I was able to calm down; I felt better when I told the truth about what had happened before I told my mom. It gave me a feeling of confidence when I was told that it was okay, and that everything will work out. After dinner, Alex, Scott, and I played a game of Torres, ate berries with whipped cream, and watched some E3 coverage before I went home. I felt better – not great, but better by the time I got home.

Nothing much else happened that week, though I have been trying to write and read every day, and I’ve been knitting like crazy. I finished a pair of socks, and I’m working on another one. I’ll probably have that second pair done by Thursday. I still sit on my ass a lot and watch Nip/Tuck and True Blood. I still haven’t had the motivation to work on moving all my stuff into a more permanent arrangement, but I know I need to do it.

Last Sunday, I went back up to Muncie. Alex had been there the night before, and the guys didn’t actually end up playing Dungeons and Dragons. It cramped mine and Krista’s girlie time, but we still made cottage pie, watched Juno, and played Mario Party with Alex and Tanner. Alex went home with me and stayed the night, which was a nice relief. Then, I had been invited to see Sarah and stay with her on Monday, so I kicked Alex out early and made it to Columbus by noon. Sarah and I ate Indian food (and had Indian food babies), walked around, went to the park and walked around, had a lot of good heart-to-heart time, had ice cream sodas, knit, played with her dogs (Her dogs were really cute and made me want to have a dog, but I know that I’m very much a cat person – I guess it’s the same way with other people’s kids.), ate artisan bread and had iced lattes while watching The Green Hornet. I know that’s a huge run-on sentence. No, I’m not going to correct it.

So yeah, I had a lovely time with my Sarah. It was unbelievable that we crammed all that into our time together, and that when I left it was actually Tuesday. Time is really strange when you don’t have any actual daily commitments like a job or school. You can have your weekend anytime, all the time…

I went back home and did some relaxing, but I also had to go buy another new phone because while I was at Sarah’s, I realized the screen on mine was broken. Since I like being able to know who I’m calling, who is calling me, and the ability to text, I went out and replaced it. I got the same model as the last, and the one before that (the one who’s fate ended up in toilet back in December), but this time with insurance. It needs it if I’m its owner.

Wednesday ended up being another mini-shopping day, and then on Thursday, Alex came over. We watched some more FLCL, had Sno-Castle, and made pork tacos for dinner.

Friday and Saturday were True Blood days with my mom. She hasn’t seen the third season yet, and we decided to rewatch the first two, which was probably a good idea since I forgot some of what happened, and we finished the second season on Saturday night. We’re rather crazy.

Yesterday was Father’s Day and I called my two grandpas and my dad. My maternal grandparents will be coming in on Thursday night and staying until Sunday afternoon, so it will be good to see them. Then I drove up to Krista’s and the guys weren’t playing D&D again this week, we had already arranged our hanging-out time. It was just me, Nick, and Krista there. We watched The Breakfast Club because Krista had never seen it before, and then Krista and I made enchiladas. Nick brought out his Dance Dance Revolution game, and we tried to play, but one pad was dead and the other one had a finicky back arrow that filled us with frustration. I left at about 9:00 and went home. Mom and I watched another episode of True Blood before she went to bed.

I woke up this morning around 7:30. The bedroom was orange because of the glow of the rising sun. It was sort of fantastical. I went back to sleep, though, and woke up to a huge, gray thunderstorm. I haven’t yet done anything of note today, but I’m excited for this evening because I get to see my boy. Hopefully the weather’s nice, because we were planning to walk around outside.

Suck suckity suck suck. That’s how things have been feeling lately.

I hate to feel so negative. It doesn’t make me feel good. But I don’t know, necessarily, how to make myself feel better. I’m trying, but due to the fact that I don’t have a job yet, it’s rather limited.

I miss being a student, and having goals to accomplish at that level – papers to write, assignments to read, professors and fellow peers to have intelligent conversation with. I used to have a job. It was minimum wage and I couldn’t work over twenty hours a week, but I had great supervisors and nice people as coworkers. I was a hard worker, and even though it didn’t pay much, but I worked hard, and I was happy.

Of course, I’ll admit that I’m happier now than I ever was during student teaching. I don’t have to deal with constant bullying and ridicule from over a hundred students a day and my supervising teacher. I can actually spend time being myself. Sometimes a little too much time to myself, anymore.

I miss my friends. When I lived in Muncie, most of them were a walk or a bike ride away. Now, it takes forty-five minutes to get there and forty-five to get back. Therefore, I don’t get much social interaction anymore.

I know, the job market is hard. It’s even harder knowing that there are just so many positions that I’m not qualified for. I’ve had two interviews since graduation. One went all right, and it was in a very upscale area, but I didn’t get the position. I don’t know why I always get my hopes up. When I found out, I told Alex. He had an interview that day, and it went well. About an hour later, the doorbell rang. There he was. He didn’t stay very long, but I appreciate that he wanted to console me.

I had another interview last Friday. It wasn’t one I was particularly looking forward to, especially since it seems no one really wants to give you the information you need, like what sort of position you’re interviewing for. I spent more time in the waiting area than I actually did in the interview – which lasted five minutes. Let us just say that I bombed that interview, big time. But for the record, they wanted a salesperson and should have said that up front. I’m not a salesperson. I can’t sell things. One time in high school, my mom just wanted me to pay for a fundraiser., rather than sell candy bars. I wanted to prove her wrong, so I tried to sell, and failed. Unfortunately, the fact that I can’t sell things has really limited my career options at the moment.

In the meantime, I do try to keep myself busy. I workout (though it would be better if I could go to a gym), read, and write. I’ve been working some interesting writing projects, and I’ve been reading the thirty books I discovered that I own but I’ve never read before. I’ve also been knitting a pair of socks and re-watching Nip/Tuck. I’m currently on the second season. So, when it comes down to it, I spend a lot of time sitting on my ass.

I want a job. I want to move out of the house. Living with my mother again after being in college for four years – and not returning to P-town for the past two summers – is sucking, to put it so bluntly. None of my friends live around here – or well, one of them does, but she’s currently in London for the next two weeks. I’m lonely. My mom comes home from work and doesn’t even ask me how my day is. I understand that it may not look like I do anything at all, but still, it would be nice to be appreciated. I cook, I clean, I run errands. I wake my mom up when she falls asleep on the couch while watching television or in between work and schoolwork. She never asks, though, and she just complains about her day. Living with my mother has started making me resent her. I love her dearly, and I don’t know what I would do if she wasn’t in my life, but right now, living with her is hurting me and my relationship with her.

I think that Alex and I have both strengthened our relationship through our mutual unemployment and living with our parents, but it’s still not as good as it could be. No income, therefore, no big dates – but that’s not really my problem. When I lived in an apartment with three other roommates and I only got to see Alex every other weekend, I’d say things were better than me living with my mother (despite being only a half hour away now) and getting to see him maybe twice a week. I at least saw Alex for at least two to three consecutive days with the former situation. One of the times we see each other is when we go up to Muncie together and he plays Dungeons and Dragons with the guys while I knit and chat with Krista, so it’s not even like we’re alone anymore when we see each other. I look forward to Sunday evenings when he stays the night – even though it is for such a short while.

Yesterday, we went up to Muncie, but Alex had trouble with Domino, his car. When he went to get dinner, Tanner had to go jump his car later. When we tried to leave, the car wouldn’t start again; they tried to jump it, but it still didn’t work. Luckily, Tanner’s a nice guy and drove me home, but Alex stayed in Muncie. One of the only times I get to see him anymore, and it was cut short. I was so sad last night. I hated myself for being so selfish, since it was more important that Alex has reliable transportation and that we are both safe, but my heart ached.

I had to come back home, though. I have an interview at 5:00 today. I’m a bit more optimistic about this one than the last one, but still nervous. I just feel like I’m nothing, or a little kid, to these interviewers. It does wonders for my self-esteem (not).

I hate being in this limbo. I wonder how I am supposed to be an adult when I’m back where I started from four years ago – I may be older now, but four years ago, I was still hanging out at home, doing the same thing I’m doing now. Being here is killing my love life, my relationships, my sanity, and my self-esteem. I’m trying my best to get out, but I feel like it is a force of nature that’s keeping me from being where I want to be.

I wasn’t in the best of moods when I wrote my last post. The rest of the day went downhill from there. Alex called me and asked “Guess where I am?” The answer was GenCon, and I didn’t know that he had decided to go. Then he said, “Guess who we just saw?” The answer was of course, Wil Wheaton, one of the few geeks (beside my own) who can make me swoon. So close, and I still couldn’t meet him in person! Alex told me that the line to meet him was long, so he wanted to get me an autograph, but the line was super long, so I understand. Besides, it would mean a lot to me, but not as much as actually meeting Wil in person and asking him myself.

So, I was jealous. Jealous that Alex was at GenCon, enjoying himself, while I was stuck at home, sitting on my butt. I hate not having a car. I can’t even go to the grocery store and the bank by myself, so I’m cooped up in the house all day.  In addition to my inability to leave the house, I have felt myself gain weight, which further lowers my self-esteem. Knowing all of this, I was further pushed into my funk on Friday.

Mom and I went to Gene’s Root Beer stand for dinner, where I had planned to have a chili dog, fries, and a root beer float. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been there, and so this was a special occasion. But I was so upset, I didn’t eat at all.

I felt better after I talked to Alex later that night. He said that while GenCon was an entertaining experience, he wished that he had prepared better for the convention and done all the stuff he had wanted to do, especially the free stuff. He was waiting for Scott to get out of one of the areas, and so he was feeling lonely and wanted someone to talk to. We both felt better afterwards, I think. (We’re rather similar, some days, it seems.)

Alex brought me some things from the convention, including this and this. He said they were really lame, but I don’t care. I didn’t expect anything from him, and I know he has been trying to save money. I find that it was a sweet gesture.

I saw him Saturday, when we played a round at the decrepit Putt-Putt course and arcade. After that, we drove around for a bit and then had dinner at his house with his parents. It was nice to see them again, and dinner and dessert was delicious.

I came home and hung out with Mom. I introduced her to True Blood, and now she’s hooked. She only has two episodes left after about a day and a half.

Sunday, I made pancakes for breakfast, with fresh fruit on the side. I spent my day packing up my belongings and knitting. I’m almost done with a pair of mittens for Jess; she asked for them for her birthday.

Today, I woke up before sunrise and made eggs, bacon, and toast for me and my mom. I feel bad because I really haven’t had the chance to spend much time with her over the summer, or that we have the financial ability to do fun, interesting things like we used to, like museum exhibits, art galleries, and movies. So I spent a little time with her this morning, and I think I might do it again and make French toast.

I was a fool and drank some coffee this morning with breakfast, so when I tried to crawl back into bed, I couldn’t sleep. I laid there for an hour with my eyes closed, but mind still going. So around 7:30, I gave up and read Speaker for the Dead in bed. I got a lot read, and it was nice and peaceful.

Jennifer stopped by after lunch. I had wanted to see her before I had to move back to Muncie, and I was glad for her visit. I just wish I had more time with her. If I had a car, I’d be able to visit her some weekend during the semester, but that will be for a while. We’ll keep in touch, though.

All in all, it’s been a really nice day. It makes me feel sadder knowing that tomorrow I have to go back to that big pothole, Muncie. But hey, that’s life. Summer gets shorter every year.

Things have been going well here. Same old stuff, same old problems. The other night, I finally got around to sewing a case for my double-pointed needles, so now they’re all in one place and not secured by rubber bands. The smaller ones still like to slide around a bit, so I have to make sure the case is never turned upside down, but I’m happy because I actually accomplished something. I have a bad habit of starting projects and not finishing them. For example, right now – two dresses, three paintings (though my mom hung them up on her walls anyway), a sculpture, a bag, a skirt I need to mend, and any novel I’ve tried to produce in the last ten years. My room is piled with junk mainly because I am never at this house and my mom likes to throw any of my belongings in there without any order while I’m away, but also because I have only technically been at home for maybe nine days out of the entire summer, and probably not even that. I have had little time to get anything accomplished, as well as little will.

I’d like to write some actual works of literature, but I’m afraid having two classes this summer killed my ambition for the moment. All I want to do is sit around and knit and read. It would be nice to go out and visit people as well, but seeing as I don’t have a car and it is ridiculously hot to even attempt riding my bike, I don’t get out much. I was supposed to be throwing a party on Sunday for my friends to come over, but I realized that 1) my house is too disheveled to have guests, 2) I’m slightly antisocial, 3) I suck at throwing parties, 4) I’d be moving out two days after, and I’m stressed enough about that as it is and 5) having this party would be acknowledging that summer is over and I have to go back to school. So, I sort of canceled it. Not many people were putting much into it, either. But they decided to revive the party at a different location, so I guess that’s fine. I don’t know if I will go or not, but I probably should. They want me there.

I don’t want to go back to school. I could care less if I ever go back. I can’t wait until next year, when I’ll have my diploma and my only reason to go back to Ball State would be to visit friends or see my brothers graduate (if they chose to go there). I’m burnt out. I’m toast. I’m ready to just have a job and get on with my life.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I saw Alex Tuesday. We went to see Inception and shared a bag of Reese’s Pieces. It was a freaking cool movie. I was a bit lost in the first fifteen minutes, but then I caught on and it was just like… whoa. I’d totally see it again. I probably need to see it again. But I won’t see it in theaters again because I don’t have the money like I did back in high school when I’m pretty sure I saw a few movies multiple times. At home, I’ll miss the huge screen and ceiling-tile-shaking quality of sound, but that’s okay.

After the movie, we went back to my house and I made dinner. A storm came in right before Alex left. It was pouring as he ran to his car. I miss seeing him every day like I have the past couple years at school. Even last summer, we were both living up there and I could see him. Now, when we say goodbye, I never know how long it will be until I can see him again. At least we’ve improved our phone conversation skills from our first summer apart. Even if it is for only five minutes, we still talk every night and talk about what we did that day. I think it will be harder next year, especially since I’ll have some evening shifts, but we’ll make it through. I just miss him, that’s all.

Today, Mom and I are going to Gene’s Root Beer stand for dinner. It’s been forever since we’ve done it, and since it’s a seasonal operation, it’s special. I look forward to having a chili dog and a root beer float, even if I’m getting chubbier every day (or so it feels like it). I’ll feel better (ironically) when I move into the apartment, since I will try to eat better and exercise regularly. Not like here. The only thing that gets a workout are my fingers when I type or knit…

I went to Richmond for the weekend. The family reunion went well. I got to help my grandma bake, try hard pear cider with my uncle, and fix my little brother Alex’s treasured blanket. It’s really pretty, and I did the best I could. You can tell it’s been worn down with a lot of love.

At the reunion, I stayed out of the rain, which my brothers and younger cousin played in and got soaked and, well, just hung around the adults, because I’m one now, I guess. I discussed teaching with a distant relative – guessing, I don’t actually know what our relationship was – who has been a math teacher for over fifteen years. It’s nice that I’m actually getting encouraged to keep doing what I’m doing, since the past year and a half or so has made me doubt my desire to do teaching.

I also fielded many questions. Questions about whose kid I was, about school and the inevitable “Oh! Senior Year!” comment, questions about my knitting, since I was working on a scarf, and of course, questions about boyfriend Alex. Most of those came from my brothers; one of David’s made me laugh: “If you and your boyfriend Alex get married, how do we tell him and Alex (brother) apart?” This isn’t the first time my brothers (mind you, they’re ten and seven) have brought up the idea of me getting married. But there’s so much more I have to accomplish before that happens!

I didn’t get to see my dad that much, because he and my stepmother went up to Chicago to run the Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon, and they did really well and enjoyed their experience.

I came home on Sunday, and I’ve been a bump on the couch for the past few days. I keep meaning to go to the bank, but the weather is either too hot or rainy to ride my bike. I have sewing projects to work on, and knitting, and I’m trying to make sure I can finish Speaker for the Dead before this weekend. Instead, I’ve been watching a lot of crappy television, with the exception of the newest Futurama episode. That was cute.

I made cookies today, though! Yay! They’re s’mores cookies. Oh my god. Amazing. I’m going to give a dozen of them to Alex when he comes to visit tomorrow. And I might eat a dozen before then…

Just look at them. LOOK AT THEM. DELICIOUS.

Unfortunately, now I have to do dishes. Just add that to my list.

Packing’s on that list too, but I’ve been the least productive at that. I move up to the new apartment next Tuesday, and I should be more excited, but I’m not. I know, just one year left, but man, summer, I’ve missed you. I want some more time with you.

Well, first off, things are going well.  I have done practically nothing since Monday’s awesome DEVO concert. Which, by the way, they have posted a video from and you should check it out. It makes me feel all giddy inside.

For the past couple of days, I’ve just been sitting around in my pajamas. I snack a lot at home, which I’m not proud of. I spend more time on my computer, and I’m not proud of that either. But really, there’s no way of me going anywhere as it stands right now. We’re lucky to have even one car, and even that has had its problems this week.

So, I watch morning talk shows. I eat whatever I can get my hands on in this house, which isn’t much. I started watching episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark? on-line because for some reason I want some nostalgia. I finished reading Last Exit to Brooklyn. And I knit. I knit a lot. My hands are going to start aching again if I don’t watch out.

It’s also hot. So hot. And humid. To whichever side of the family gave me my humidity-prone hair – that wasn’t a very funny joke! It’s big, poofy, frizzy, and it’s gotten more tangled than ever.

To combat the heat, I’ve made some popsicles. They’re one of my favorite things about summer. I started seeing recipes and wondering what happened to our old popsicle molds that I used to fill with Kool-Aid. I mentioned it over the past weekend, and my grandma unearthed (rather easily, I might add, which is odd) a bunch of old popsicle molds. She let me have them, and on Tuesday, I made strawberry-mango-lemonade popsicles. They are delicious, and I have to restrain myself from eating them all – because after all, I don’t have many ingredients to work with. The fruit was in the freezer from a couple years ago.

Lastly, before I go, today is Wil Wheaton’s birthday. He’s 38, but whatever.  He doesn’t really look it. I got to know his work through the episode of CSI he played a homeless man on. I was like, “That name in the credits sounds familiar. Who is he?” and then through some searching, I ended up reading his blog. I then got my hands on his books Dancing Barefoot and Just a Geek. I loved them. I started watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. Mom was like, “Oh please don’t become a Trekkie!” But now I love Star Trek, in (most) of its series and movies. I really appreciate Wil’s voice as a writer, and all the acting roles he decides to do. I find that he’s a real cool guy, not just a celebrity.

A few years ago, probably four or so, I drew Wil Wheaton fanart (I know, I know, shut up.). I sent it to him on his birthday that year, just as a whim. He responded. He said it was cool and reminded him of Doktor Sleepless. He asked if he could use it on his blog, and I said yes! He never featured it, but I don’t care. I just have the satisfaction knowing that I did something cool, and that Wil Wheaton sent me a response. So, Mr. Cool-Man-Space-Nerd Wil Wheaton, Happy Birthday!

Now, I’m going out of town for a few days. Family reunion for the win! Enjoy the rest of your July!

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