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My last day as an undergraduate, Friday, had been a pretty good day. I walked to the Senior Party held at the Alumni Center, hung out with Geldes, Matt, and Thom, drank three rum and cokes, and ate some pizza and my (possibly) last Carter’s hot dog. I was pretty tipsy. That was fun. I went back to campus with the guys, and Nick and James found us. No one really seemed to be hanging out, though. James took me back to my apartment so I could finish some packing.

As soon as I walked in, one of my roommates was walking out. She didn’t say a word to me. I started working on things, and realized that she had taken stuff out of the cabinets (and thrown away the banana I was saving for Saturday morning). The fridge was full. I texted her to ask what was hers, and she told me to throw out everything. Let’s get this straight – I rarely saw her take out the trash the entire school year, never cleaned the bathroom she shared with another one of our roommates, cried at the beginning of the year when we confronted her about dish duty (and therefore, we all started washing our own dishes), and never seemed to vacuum – and then all she does to prepare our moving out is to put all her stuff in one corner and take everything out of the cabinets. That’s it. She didn’t vacuum, she didn’t clean out the fridge full of food that only two items were actually mine, and she certainly wasn’t one of the people cleaning the stove or moving the fridge to clean behind it. What a selfish, lazy child.

Anyway, my rage at her sobered me up rather quickly. I cleaned out the fridge and freezer, found an unopened pint of Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche ice cream I claimed as my reward, cleaned up my room, vacuumed that and the hall, wiped down the inside of all the cabinets, and then called Krista. Sarah had mentioned that she and Thom were hanging out at Krista’s new place, which I hadn’t seen yet. Besides, my roommates had taken or packed all their utensils away, so there were no spoons. I got directions, and drove over to Krista’s apartment, where James, Nick, Sarah, and Thom were as well. I ate my ice cream, and then we all played Telephone Pictionary.

I went back to my empty apartment near midnight. I played music on my computer and painted my nails purple, since that’s all I could do. The internet had been disconnected, and I had already finished reading The Glass Castle earlier that day. Then I tried to sleep, but I was too excited about Saturday, so I didn’t actually fall asleep until 2:00.

I woke up early and took a bath. We had no shower curtains, so that was pretty much my only option. I chugged a chocolate protein shake and ate a granola bar – like a boss – and fixed my hair and makeup. I packed my car, checked the apartment for any last items I may have forgotten, slipped into my cap and gown, and then headed to campus. Because of weather, the main ceremony was moved inside. I was a little early, but I was kept on my toes by phone calls from friends and family.

I decided to make my way inside to the seating, but there was no true organization for the first ceremony. Ball State hadn’t really prepared anyone – they had made the weather call near 8:00, when it was supposed to be announced at 7:00, and one of the most asked questions from graduates was, “What are we supposed to do?”

Anyway, I decided to go inside and wait for Sarah. I was wearing high heels, and the first steps inside Worthen Arena were slick concrete. Put one and one together, and what do you think happened? Suddenly, I took a tumble on the steps. I was in shock and embarrassed. Several people asked me if I was all right. One woman came up and helped me walk down the remaining steps. I was overwhelmed from the incident and the fact that I had no idea what I was doing, and started crying; I was able to regain my composure quickly, though. They asked me if I wanted a medic, and I declined. I had a bunch of scrapes and bruises, and I was limping a little, but overall, I was okay. I waited for Sarah, and I sat in between her and Brandon for the first commencement ceremony. It was boring and I was either almost falling asleep or making wisecracks with Sarah. There was even a moment where we were whispering the words to “Mulatto Butts” from Archer and giggling.

After that, we were able to track down our respective families. Pictures were taken, we waited for my grandparents, took more pictures, took me to return my apartment key, and then ate lunch. When we returned to campus, I was able to find my dad and his side of the family. They went to my cousin Brian’s graduation from the college of Telecommunications and needed to grab something to eat before going to the Sciences and Humanities one for me (and Brian, who had a double major) at 3:00.

Since I was in the English portion of the Sciences and Humanities graduation, I was able to sit near Laura, Brandon, and Missy. It was like a mini-reunion, and we were all happy. It wasn’t really that strange admitting what had happened to me in student teaching, and what my plans (though uncertain) I have for the future. Everyone seemed supportive and happy for me, though my circumstances were unfortunate.

The second ceremony went by with a woosh, and then I took some pictures with dad’s side of the family before it was time to go. I took off my cap, gown, and high heels to drive on the way home. Alex rode with me, though I felt bad because the stop-and-go traffic on our way out of Muncie made him a little ill.

We made it back to my house, I changed into comfortable clothes, and solicited my brothers in helping me unload my car. Then it was party time, full of friends, family, and others. It was nice, and we had the right amount of food for everyone. It was fun. I know I was hesitant about walking in graduation and about having my graduation party because of all that had happened, but I’m now really glad I did it.

It was quite a whirlwind day, and I opened my presents and cards after everyone left. Alex gave me FLCL on DVD and LCD Soundsystem’s last album, which makes me suspect that he’s been looking at my Amazon Wishlist. I was also pleasantly surprised because Aunt Jo and Uncle Dave gave me two books – one written by Katie Couric on the best advice compiled from famous people, and Tina Fey’s new book, which made me squeal with joy because Tina is definitely one of my favorite famous people ever.

So yeah… that’s all. I survived the past four years, and now I’m officially an alumnus of Ball State University.

Who knows, maybe in a few years I’ll be graduating with my masters degree! (I can dream!)

By the way, my legs look beautiful now – they’re a palette of purple, blue, green, and yellow, I have a scrape on my right foot, and I think I twisted my left ankle. I’m still recuperating.

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I’m currently sitting in my room in Muncie. Blank walls, crumpled sleeping bag, and a bunch of random stuff lying around on the floor. I’m listening to one of my roommates being yelled at by her father. I think he’s being quite unreasonable – she’s trying hard to have everything packed and in the car. She’s leaving today, and so is another one of my dear roommates. One’s gone, but will be back on Sunday to finish wrapping up our loose ends, I think.

I’ll be gone tomorrow. Tomorrow morning, I’ll wake up and take a bath, since we won’t have shower curtains. I’ll eat a protein shake, banana, and granola bar for breakfast, hoping it will tide me over. I’ll pack the car with everything I have left in this apartment, then I’ll walk to campus in my dress, cap, and gown.

Tomorrow’s the big day. By the end of the day, I’ll officially be an alumnus of Ball State University.

What happens after that, I don’t know. I have some ideas of what I’d like, but who knows where life will take me. I certainly didn’t expect to be where I am today, right now, with the feelings I have. Hopefully, something good is waiting out there for me to discover it.

The rest of my short trip to Lexington was great. It was a struggle for me to leave.

Thursday, Alex, David, and I jumped on the trampoline and played outside, and then I got the guts to drive around Lexington, so we went to the park. We had a snack, then flew kites. I made them play on the playground and get some energy out, though David argued with me the entire time, since he’s not the “imagining” type like Alex is – who I had to brush woodchips off and wash dirt off of before he got back in my car.

On Friday, we made Cookies and Cream Bars. Alex and David never get into the kitchen, can you believe that? David wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and I made him do it himself while I supervised. He’s eleven. He should be able to manage that by now…

The three of us went to the children’s museum, and it was a lot of fun. It’s small, and it’s not like, say, the Indianapolis Children’s Museum, but it was still entertaining and the boys enjoyed it.

Not much else went on with my trip – just a lot of relaxation and spending time with my family.

I also finished knitting my giant squid, Squidot. He’s definitely an attention getter.

I drove back on Sunday and stopped by Alex’s house for dinner. It was nice to see him, and it broke up my trip a little bit. Then I came home for a day.

I went back up to Muncie because I had an interview on that Tuesday, then another the next day. It looks like I have a job, though I don’t know when it will be starting, since I have to wait for the company to get all its new hires in at once. I just have to hang out and work on getting things in order at home until then.

Mom’s had me running errands, I stuffed and mailed all of my graduation invitations, I had doctor and dentist appointments, and I’ve seen Alex a few times, too. Mom likes having me home because I also cook for her. Funny story about that.

Friday, April 15th, I made salmon with a couscous dish on the side. It was tasty, and impressive, considering it was the first time I have cooked salmon. I can’t be certain as to whether it was my first time eating it or not. We tried to go to bed early, since we had to be up at 5:00 to go to the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. However, I couldn’t sleep. I was worried about my future, about my life, and then… I started coughing. I couldn’t breathe easily, I was itchy, and I felt a slight puffiness in my face. Mom had to make a 1:00 a.m. Benedryl run. All ended up well in the end, but apparently, I might be allergic to salmon, but I don’t care. I think I’m just going to make sure I have Benedryl in my purse wherever I go, because I’m getting sick and tired of surprise allergy attacks.

Even though we only had about four hours of sleep, Mom and I went to the Race for the Cure. I had never done it before, but I think that 1) it is an important cause and 2) I needed the exercise. It was bitter cold and rainy the whole day, but it was still fun. Seeing the survivors in their parade was inspiring, and the walk was fun. We went with Peggy and Mike, and I met Peggy’s daughter and son (though he wasn’t at the walk). It was nice – again, despite the cold – and I think I’m going to participate in it next year, too.

Also, there were Ghostbusters doing the walk. I forgot to mention that. That was cool. I’ll get a picture up when I can of that.

After the walk, we went out for lunch. Mom and I made it back home by 3:00. I was in bed again by 3:30, and slept for a while.

Nothing big happened last week, and then I went up to Muncie last weekend to enjoy the company of others. It was a good weekend. I watched Tideland with Sarah, did some knitting, watched Tron: Legacy with Alex, played some Telephone Pictionary, and went bowling for Tanner’s birthday.

This week, I’m working on cleaning my room and preparing it for the return of my stuff from the apartment. I’ll be living there during finals week on practically nothing, but I wanted to spend time with people before graduation.

Perhaps the most exciting bit of news is that I graduate in 10 days!

I’m done with student teaching, but not because the semester is over.

I did not fail.

I just didn’t succeed.

Last Thursday morning, I woke up an English Education Major. I went to bed that evening as an English Major.

I’m still graduating in May, just not exactly in the way that I had planned.

My student teaching placement was horrible. I was bullied by the students, and a little bit by my supervising teacher. The school was undergoing major changes at an administrative level (they “reassigned” their principal). It was rough. At first I thought I could stick it out.

But then, two weeks ago, my university supervisor came in. I had two options: withdraw on that Friday, or go through the five-day improvement plan the next week and then, if I still didn’t meet the criteria, I would have to withdraw that next Friday.

I thought I could do it. I spent 13 hours that weekend in the library, working on lesson plans. I didn’t go to bed before midnight at all that week. But by Wednesday last week, it was clear – my supervising teacher was getting her class back. I was teaching a lesson, and I could see she was looking for lesson plans. I knew then. Hell, I knew it on Monday that week. My heart just wasn’t in it.

I left the school on Friday. I will not return. I changed my major and talked to Dr. Hartman about the ordeal. She knows I should not have been at that school, and my supervising teacher did many things wrong that hindered me.

Things didn’t work out, so yeah, so what? From Thursday through Sunday, I felt fine. I felt as if a whole weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and my aunt Beth said that if I feel that way, I did the right thing. Dr. Hartman said not to make any major decisions for the next two weeks, since I was still in shock. I’ve tried to take her advice, and so far, I’ve been following it. It’s just difficult because I really want to act, I do – I just don’t know what to do, or think. My mind is in a muddled state.

I went home on Friday and  had a lovely weekend. I went to a school play with my mom and ate at Daddio’s on Saturday. Sunday, I went to visit Alex, and we watched Exit Through the Gift Shop and ordered Yen Ching for dinner. He’s been very supportive, as has my family, despite some initial trepidations, which is understandable.

But Monday, it hit me. I was washing dishes (my mom’s so glad to see me at home – she puts me to work), and I just thought, “What am I doing? What am I going to do with a damn degree in English?” It’s like that Avenue Q song, but not so funny when it’s happening to you.

I outlined my four main options now, which can be mixed and tailored as needed.

Option 1: Substitute teaching. It would give me more experience in the educational field in the event I go back for my post-bachelor degree. I think I was lacking in experience when I went into my student teaching, and this could help me. I could do it in Muncie Community Schools, since I’ve already had my background check. Since my lease is up in May, I could only do it from now until then, which isn’t much. I would probably have to do a little extra to substitute in Madison County, but I’d be able to live with my mom.  Then, the question still remains – What do I do when school is out between June and August?

Option 2: Grad school through BSU. They don’t have the exact options I’d want, but at least their deadlines for application haven’t gone whooshing by. I could get a masters in rhetoric/composition, and teach English 103 and 104. Not perfect, but I’d at least be teaching students who want to learn and are paying to be there, not students who don’t care about what I want to teach, which is what I’ll face if I’m in a public school system. Another con, though – money.

Option 3: Grad school through IU. If I could have my choice of masters degrees, I’d get one in library science. My friend David is currently enrolled in the library science program through IU, and he loves it. He told me about it when I saw him at our friends Jason and Julie’s wedding a few weeks ago, and I was sold. The problem is , again, coughing up the money for grad school, and also, their deadline for fall applicants has passed, so I’d have to wait until next spring. I’m okay with that, except, like Option 1, what  would I do with my time between May and next January?

Option 4: TESOL. I know that there are degree add-ons to be certified as a teacher of English as a second language, but there are some programs in which I could become  certified online – no teaching degree required – and then go teach in a foreign country. There  is the small issue of money for the class and for travel, but I would be getting teaching experience, a cultural experience (which I’m totally for), and my students would actually want to learn what I have to teach them. The major problem is obvious, though. I don’t know how long I’d be gone or what access I would have to a computer/Internet. Could I bear to leave Alex for so long?

I’m in a dilemma. I need to choose something. Yeah, Dr. Hartman said two weeks, and I’m obeying it. But I can’t stop thinking about what comes after.

Today I went to formally withdraw from my enrolled course as a student teacher. Soon, my student access to the gym, library, and Health Center will probably taken away from me. I was told by the Financial Aid office that I owe $900 because, since I’m not going to officially be a student, I need to repay some of my financial aid.

I sacrificed money this semester. My hard work should have paid off, but because of the whole situation, I can’t get any of my tuition refunded.

I sacrificed my job this semester. I can’t get it back because, again, I won’t be considered a student.

I sacrificed myself. I’m getting her back, but it’s not easy.

 

I just keep asking myself – What now?


P.S. Anyone have a job opening for a recently graduated English major who has worked at a public library/customer service/receptionist job before? Some teaching experience, just not certified.

I drove back to the apartment yesterday evening. It was the hardest trip I’ve ever had to make. Even though it only took an hour, I felt so torn apart having to go back to the stress of school. I love my mom. We’re close. I had the best break ever, and it hurt me to go. I think we both cried when it was time to say goodbye. I put on David Bowie and sobbed during the whole trip. I try to be strong. But I love that feeling that I have when I’m home, when I have someone who cares a damn about me, when I actually have the time and will to make a delicious dinner not for myself, but for someone else. When there’s that love. So coming back to an apartment where nothing outside my bedroom feels like mine (someone used my butter while I was gone – and I had a label on it, for crying out loud!) and I feel I can’t be myself isn’t exactly ideal.

I guess the good thing is that today is the beginning of the last semester I will ever have to take as an undergraduate (hopefully). I am student teaching, and am terrified. I doubt myself as a teacher. I think I’ll be okay, but it’s still pretty nerve-wracking. I’ll be starting my days at Central tomorrow. I just wish I didn’t feel so anxious.

All student teachers had orientation today. We spent most of the day (from about 8:30 am to 11:45 am) getting lectured about conceptual framework, timelines, expectations, portfolios, and about twenty minutes on blood-borne pathogens. Exciting, I know. I sat with Tim and Rachel, two people I know from other classes in my content area. It was good to be with some familiar faces, though it’s probably the last time I’ll see them – except maybe graduation.

After lunch, we met with our University Supervisors. Johanna and I have the same one since we’re at the same school. Josh was also there, I had him in my EDPSY class. A lot of people in my practicum, since they have local schools, also have the same one.
I might have to quit my job, after all, though. I don’t want to fail student teaching. I know my shifts will only be on the weekends, but I still need to put my teaching experience (and my sanity/health)  first. We’ll see. I’m going to give it a try. I don’t think my University Supervisor approves of me working, though. I don’t think he thinks I’m serious about what I’ve chosen to do as a profession. He’s wrong. I care, but I need to have some sort of income. I’m still basically on my own.

The only thing that actually bothered me  was that he began a new topic by saying, “Have a boyfriend? Girlfriend? Dump them.” Of course, he later clarified that by saying, make sure your partner realizes that this is who you are, and they approve of your profession – if they don’t accept you as a teacher now, will they ever? I’m glad he clarified that. I mean, I understand what he’s saying. Some partners are needy and will whine if you have to spend time making lesson plans, grading papers, or researching ways to improve instruction in the classroom. But then there are the ones who will keep you sane.

Let me tell you about my one. My love. Last night, before going to bed, I had the sick, fluttering feeling in my stomach that I’ve had for a while. I’m super anxious – I’m almost wondering if I truly need to go on medication to control it. But I texted Alex one simple phrase: “I’m scared about this semester.” I’m sad that he won’t be near me for yet another semester, but it might be for the best right now, though, considering all I’d want to do is to be with him, and then it’d end up distracting me, like my university supervisor said. But let me share with you about what Alex sent back to me – a two page text about how much he loves me and how I’m strong and how we’ll get through this together.

This afternoon, he sent me a text telling me he hopes that today has been going well and that he can’t wait to see me this weekend.

Though I’m still nervous, I’m glad that I don’t have to be alone, and that I have someone who loves and supports me as I go through this incredible shift in my role from student to teacher.

If one day, for some unknown reason, someone had to dig through my belongings and figure out what went on inside my head during class, they would find a goldmine in my notebooks.

I’ve been cleaning up my room a little bit today, among other things – although I guess I should say the other things (knitting, bumming around)  have had dominance. I decided to go through my notebooks, and this is what I found:

On the left page: Notes from my EDFON 420 course – I took it this past summer (May/June). In the bottom left corner are random poetic musings. What you can’t see on this page is the subtraction and division I made in the upper margin for who-knows-what and, in the upper left-hand margin, a list of things I wanted to knit.

On the right page: A grocery list I scribbled out (and probably would rewrite multiple times elsewhere), notes on Wuthering Heights from my ENG 365 class that I took this past semester – note my scribbing where I refer to Linton as a “super wimp” –  a drawing of an onion, and a silly little drawing of a person dressed up as grapes (because I had been reading Octopus Pie‘s Halloween special comic at the time, therefore giving a date to around the time I drew/wrote on that page).

Yeah… all my notebooks are like that. I can’t honestly say that it’s too efficient when it comes to studying…

Sunday, I had vowed I wouldn’t go outside. It had been snowing all day, and though it wasn’t much – or so I thought – I still didn’t want to go out in it.

But that night, Ruu and I were the only ones in the apartment, and I knew I wanted to get groceries the next day. I had told her I would buy her some stuff, since she was short on cash and I didn’t want her to starve. Anyway, I was about to make hot chocolate around 8:30 when she said, “I really want cookies.” And it hit me – I wanted cookies, too. I stopped what I was doing, told her to get dressed (she was wearing pajamas), and we ran out to my car. Of course, I hadn’t thought at all, so my shoes were thin flats and I was wearing them without socks – so the snow could get in and freeze my toes off, and I forgot my mittens in my other coat. So I scraped all the ice off of my car and jumped into the driver’s seat, where I let out a yell. It was really cold.

We drove to Marsh, which, on any non-snowy day, you could easily walk to in about ten minutes. The drive is no problem at all. That is, unless you accidentally hit your windshield wiper as you’re driving and smear ice all over to lessen your visibility. And then you run over a low median because it was covered in snow and therefore looked like a pile of snow. We got there and back safely, though, rest assured. My car is fine and not dead because of it, thank you very much, and I am NOT a bad driver. Anyone could have mistaken that median for a pile of snow.

Anyway, this finals week has been the most boring, yet the most relaxing, ever. I don’t have my finals until Thursday and Friday, and I’m not even worried about them. So all I have to do this week is work, and even then, the earliest I go in (except Friday) is at 1:00 p.m. So, I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping in, watching Buffy (I’m up to season six!), and knitting. It’s nice and all, but I really would like to go home. Sitting around doing nothing is not exactly my cup of tea. I’d much rather be at home, baking our Christmas goodies, or visiting my boy, whom I miss very much.

Monday, I decided to ride my bike to work. It’s crazy, but I’ve been doing it for a while in this weather. Well, I was lucky there were no cars around and it was in daylight, but even my mountain bike’s tires were no match for slush. It slipped out from under me, and I ended up landing face-down in the slush-covered road. Not fun. I’ve decided that I probably shouldn’t be riding my bike anymore, especially in the dark and on the icy, slushy roads. Now, I’m walking. It takes a half hour to get to work, and a half hour back. Not the best use of my time, but at least I’m not paying for parking (I have a bone to pick with Parking Services tomorrow), not risking my life (too much), and I’m getting (some) exercise.

And then, today. I made an omelet for dinner, since I’m trying to use up what food I have left around here. It didn’t taste funny, but the egg texture seemed weird to me, or something. I got to work, and I started to feel sick. I made it through all three hours of my shift, even though Justin and Sarah said I could go home if I felt like it. My stomach was in knots, and I thought I was going to vomit a few times, but I was able to keep myself in check. I have decided that it was either my eggs or the turkey that I put in the omelet that wasn’t so good, but I pitched them both when I got home, anyway. Nothing like giving yourself mild food poisoning, right?

I swear I don’t have a death wish, but it seems like every stupid little thing is piling up against me. Karma? Pfft. Who knows? All I want is for this week to end quickly so I can stop waiting around in Muncie and go home to have some real fun!

I had my last undergraduate class today. It hasn’t really sunk in, yet.

I also turned in my last undergraduate English paper. I hope to hell I get at least a B. I managed to get an A- on my “Mark of the Beast” paper, so I’m happy about that. The paper I turned in today was much harder.

I also turned in this project for my practicum in which we had to do this personal creative thing. I made a comic book about my experience in college and the issues with balancing multiple identities (teacher, student, etc.). I received many positive comments about it.

Last night, since I got all my work done, I went to karaoke night. It wasn’t as good as last time. I sang “Salvation” and my voice cracked, but Thom sang “Love Shack” and Tanner sang “The Bad Touch,” and that was fun. I got home around 1:30.

Anyway, so today was a good day. Went to my classes, ate free food, hung out with Sarah, and came home. I cleaned a lot. I even got my car’s filthy floor mats out of my trunk and tried to clean them. The dealership I bought it from didn’t clean my car at all, and I haven’t had time to clean it myself. Those mats were filthy. I got what I could out, but I might need something stronger than Resolve and elbow grease to get them looking nice.

(As a side note, as I was typing, I just sneezed and my roommate’s boyfriend could hear it through the walls. He yelled, “Bless you!” and I yelled back, “Thanks!” I just thought it was funny…)

I finally got to the end of FYTA, and didn’t know whether to be proud or horrified by that fact. Then I took a small nap. I finally got the motivation to clean my room, and it looks a lot better, now. I’ve started packing up things to take home. Of course, I don’t actually get to leave this city until next Friday, since I have one actual final on Thursday and one “we meet and discuss” final on Friday – and the latter one starts at 2:00 pm and is supposed to end at 4:00 pm. It’s like some kind of sick joke. I could be going home sooner, if it weren’t for that.

I don’t have to work tomorrow, but I have to be at the recreation center by 9:00 am. and be there all day until 5:00 pm. I’m going to get CPR certified, though, so that’s exciting! I also look forward to the next week where I will be able to sleep in, earn money, read for pleasure, knit, sew, and watch Buffy. It’s a good life.

 

I swear I’m not dead. It’s just that I thought I would be done after last week. Turns out, I’m not. I’ve got a unit plan due Tuesday, a paper due Friday, another small project I haven’t even started on due Friday, not to mention the readings I have to do, two small extra credit papers (because I really, really need the extra credit), my last week of teaching at the middle school, and work.

So, I’m not dead. But my brain is sorta dead. (And yeah, I’m an English major, and I just wrote “sorta.” If you have a problem, go stuff it.)

Oh, and it’s snowing! It’s been snowing quite a bit since the first of December. It’s pretty, but man, I’m not a fan of driving (and biking – yes, it’s happened) in it. I would much rather be curled up in my bed and staying warm, drinking hot cocoa, knitting, watching movies and all that crap…

Among all this, I haven’t had much time to work on my projects for Christmas. Bleh. I have the best of intentions – Mom even sent the sewing machine back up to school with me, even though I don’t have a table big enough for it in this entire apartment. I’m hoping that with all my free time during finals week, I’ll be able to do some craftiness.

Also, I can’t wait to lift the Buffy ban. I haven’t watched any since before Thanksgiving break. I made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t watch any more until I had my unit plan done. Although I might extend the ban until Thursday. I need to focus.

Despite things being busy as hell here, life is good. Well, except the fact I didn’t get my scholarship, so the library isn’t getting rid of me just yet – I’ll be working there on the weekends to earn some dough and help keep my finances in order. I don’t mind the work itself, I just know that student teaching demands a lot, and I don’t want to fail – I can’t fail – and throwing work into that mix is not going to be easy, and I’m tired of being so stressed out all the time. I’ve been tired of it for a very long, long time.

But anyway! Life is good! Alex came up this weekend. It was my fifth weekend in a row to see him. I won’t be seeing him for at least two weeks, now, but that’s all right. We made peanut butter blossoms. They were so tasty, though our first batch got really brown on the bottom and tasted a little burnt. We ate them all – not all on Friday night, but they were gone by the time Sunday afternoon came along.

We also watched Magnolia on Friday night. Alex had never seen it before. It’s my favorite movie, has been since the summer before my junior year of high school. I was going through a lot of identity and relationship issues, and was feeling really ostracized. I watched it at my dad’s house in New Orleans. I was crying 2/3 of the way through it. I identified a lot with Stanley and Donnie Smith – the “Quiz Kids.” I still do, to some extent. Magnolia is so beautiful. I hadn’t watched it since probably my junior year of high school, when I watched it with an ex. Every time Alex had suggested watching it before, I declined because usually I wasn’t up to a beautifully crafted, emotionally draining film that spans three hours. I finally agreed to watch it with him, though, and I sacrificed an extra hour of sleep for it. I was worried about what he would think of it. I think I’m always afraid of what people will think of my choices in movies. He enjoyed it, though, and I’m glad. I feel like, now that we have watched it together, he knows me on a deeper level – even though that probably sounds dorky.

I worked on Saturday morning, did some work on my unit plan, and we went over to our friend Leigh’s apartment that evening. It was a lot of fun, and I was glad to hang out with her and everyone else. It’s been a long semester, and we’ve all been busy. I miss socializing.

Anyway, it’s time for me to go to bed. Just a few more days, and I’m free!

I love having a car, you know that? I don’t know why I was so afraid of driving the past five years, but I’m loving every chance I get to drive in my car. It especially comes in handy when you need to go home from college. Yesterday after I left the middle school, I went home, packed the rest of my stuff (consisting mostly of laundry), ate lunch standing up while doing dishes, ran back out to my car, and put everything in my car before I drove to work. I didn’t even take off my coat, and when I was at work, I realized that I still had my badge on for when I’m in the schools. I traded that for my work name tag, and was busy for the next three hours.

I made it home shortly after 3:00. I put in a load of laundry, had a snack, and drove to meet my mom at work. I then followed her from there to the auto repair center at the dealership that would be taking care of my car. I had separation anxiety from her, my Hannelore (Yeah, that’s my car’s name. You can guess what one of my favorite webcomics is…). We have good times. I blast Electric Six, Depeche Mode, and Devo in her, which comes in handy when I’m stuck in traffic. I’m really sad that I’ve only had her two months, and already, we’re having major issues.

Mom stopped at Starbucks and we got coffee. We got stuck in the traffic on the way home, but we got to talk a lot. At home, we ate dinner, I did more laundry, and watched Glee while Mom did homework.

I slept in until 10:00 today, and that was great. I bummed around for a bit, worked a little on some crafty projects I’m doing, and I have now made one dessert for tomorrow’s Thanksgiving. It’s a Dutch Apple Pie for Uncle Dave. He doesn’t like pumpkin, and my other dessert for tomorrow is a Pumpkin Spice Latte Cheesecake – Thank you, Sprinklebakes! I’ve also been listening to the Electric Six albums I don’t own on Grooveshark. It’s so much fun. I hope I’m able to go to their show in April, even though it’s on a Tuesday and I’ll be student teaching…

I got a call about my car today. They sent it to another affiliated shop to specify the problem, but yeah, it has something to do with the transmission – exactly what I feared. I still don’t have the car’s title or registration yet, and it’s the damn transmission. Sigh.

I should be working on homework. I have an eight-page paper for Victorian British Lit due next week (I think), and I have a huge unit plan due in about two weeks. I just can’t get motivated. Part of me is saying, “Stop being lazy!” but another part of me says, “You really deserve this break. Enjoy what you can.” I like the latter’s point of view on all this. Besides, I know I’ll get everything done, one way or another.

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