It has been a good past week. Last Sunday, I got to visit with Jennifer and her newly adopted kitty, Sadie, before Jennifer had to return to school. It was so great to see her, because I hadn’t since my Labor Day party. We just sat and talked for a few hours (and I fawned over her Sadie because I really wish I was in the position where I could adopt an animal right now), and I think that’s some of what I needed – just some social interaction.

Alex came up last Monday after he got off work and stayed the night. I made turkey broccoli fettuccine and garlic bread, we watched television together, played Words with Friends on his phone, and ran out to get Blizzards from Dairy Queen. I accidentally fell asleep on the couch with him, and I ended up going to bed at 10:00. Again, I was sort of lame and we didn’t do much, but all I needed was to be around him, and I felt better.

Tuesday, my day was pretty normal. I hung out in my pajamas, watched television, and knitted. I laid down for a nap around1:30, aiming to sleep until 4:30. I woke up at 5:00 when Mom came home. I had enough time, though, to take my shower and get dressed.

We had dinner at IHOP, where I had pumpkin praline pancakes with eggs, bacon, and hash browns. Then, Mom and I went to the movie theater to see The Muppets. The clerk said we had missed the first twelve minutes because there is a discrepancy between the times on the mall website and a normal Google search, apparently. We still took the chance (and got a discount on our tickets), and it was perfect. We didn’t miss any of the movie, just the previews and the Pixar short before it. There were only two other people in the theater. And the movie? It was magical. I would say that if you are a person who has ever enjoyed the Muppets, you would enjoy the new movie. They’ve done a wonderful job of mixing the old material with the new, the cameos were great (Neil Patrick Harris, Alan Alda, and Jim Parsons FTW) and there were several times where I was in a laughing fit. I am certain that I was grinning from ear to ear the entire film.

At the end of the movie, there’s a bit that might make you tear up a little. Not because it’s sad, but because it’s such a display of how the Muppets will always be in the hearts of those who grew up with them in their households (like my mom and myself), and there is room for them in the hearts of generations to come. I could hear my mom sniffling next to me, and I reached out to pat her leg, as I understood what she was feeling. Then I shed a few tears myself, because I felt like it was okay to. These weren’t tears of frustration, pain, and sorrow like they have been, but tears of love, for beloved characters I was glad to welcome back

The rest of my week has been pretty decent. I’ve wrapped the majority of my presents and put them under the tree (why yes, I am an overachiever), Mom and I have figured out what Christmas goodies we are making, and then we took our Christmas card picture. Yes, that’s right. We have a bunch of Christmas cards with photo frames, and since this might be the last Christmas my mom and I have while living under the same roof (as I’m hoping to move out next year), we took a Christmas picture together to put in our cards for the first time EVER. Yeah, this Christmas season has been full of weird twists this year, and it’s not over yet.

My nights at work have been okay. We haven’t been too busy. I loathe Thursdays and Fridays, but once I get over that little hump, I only have to work Saturday night until I’m free. This past Saturday night was a nightmare. We were not only full, but a lot of my co-workers on other shifts neglect to pass messages on to other shifts, or they don’t pay attention and it trickles down to our shift. I was so glad when my relief came in on Sunday morning. It was one of those mornings I was surprised I made it home because I was so tired, and I’m surprised I just didn’t lose control of myself because it was just such a long night.

When I came home, Mom just pulled monkey bread muffins out of the oven. Even though I probably shouldn’t have, I ate three and then went to bed. I woke up in the afternoon, got ready, and Alex showed up. We ran to Goodwill because I was trying to find something for a project with no success, and when we returned to my house, we had dinner. We didn’t do much, but I did have him try on the sock that I’ve been knitting for him and finally figured out how I can make them fit him. I will try finishing that up today so maybe I can actually finish the pair of socks before our anniversary – or, even better, before the end of this year!

Alex and I cuddled and played one of the games we used to play when we were first dating – a line of questions. We went camping once and walked around in the woods, just tossing questions back and forth about our favorite childhood memories and books and Thanksgiving traditions. This time, we asked Christmas-themed questions, even though we knew some of the answers already. However, I think we were meant to be when I asked him what his favorite Christmas movie was and he said that it was Love, Actually though he also likes the original animated How the Grinch Stole Christmas. My sentiments exactly.

In the past few years, Christmas has made me miserable with everything we’ve had to do and all the presents I’ve had to make, but this year, I think it has brought me a sense of comfort that I’ve needed for a while. I look forward to the next few weeks full of Secret Santa trades (OMG SOCIALIZING WITH MY FRIENDS!), actually allowing Christmas music in my car, holiday baking, and finishing up the rest of my gift buying/making and wrapping. Before I know it, I will hopefully be in Lexington, celebrating with my family.

This girl’s not a Scrooge this year, that’s for sure.

I didn’t finish the soup and pie until 9:00. If I had gone to the party, I might have had an hour to socialize before I had to leave for work, and that wasn’t going to work. I hadn’t seen the people I knew would be at the party for months, and I would want to be there for longer than an hour. So I didn’t go, and I drove to work with a lonely heart.

I would say Thanksgiving was nice. Not the best, but all right. Mom was cleaning when I got home that morning, I ate, crawled into bed, and I didn’t wake up again until a little after 2:00 when I got a text. I tried to go back to sleep, but then I started having hunger pangs. I rolled out of bed. Grandma and Grandpa had arrived,, and they were all very apologetic because they thought they were being loud. I had to explain, “No, it’s not that. I’m just hungry.” Luckily for me, they were snacking. I had some sweet pickles, black olives, crackers, and cheese. Then, since I figured I wasn’t going back to sleep any time soon, I took my shower. After that, I hung around for a bit.

We ate dinner around 5:30 – curried pumpkin soup, stuffing, turkey breast, carrots and parsnips, and mashed potatoes that Mom made (though I hate to tell her that mine are much better and don’t have to have all the onions, bacon, and garlic that she threw into hers). Everything was going well until the first words out of my grandpa’s mouth as soon as the blessing finished was not, “Please pass the turkey,” but rather, “I bet Sam is glad she has a job.”

I have no doubt in my mind my mother briefed my grandparents on what has been going on. I hear her whispering sometimes about me to them when they visit. I figured that, in their hours before my awakening, they heard the truth about how I feel about my job, and how I have not been myself at all. That remark really put a sour taste in my mouth. I just simply replied, “No, I’m not thankful for my job. I’d rather be spending time with my family and friends.” My mouth was shut for the remainder of dinner, for fear that if I opened it for even the slightest response, I’d bust and the well of emotions would come out again. I only ate single helpings of everything but the cranberry relish, because even though I like cranberries, I just really didn’t feel like having it. I excused myself from the table early because I was feeling tired, and I crawled back into bed for another hour. A call from my dad wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving awoke me. I just wish I could have a conversation bearing happy or good news, rather than the, “I’ve got work. There’s nothing else going on in my life right now because I have no life.” answer I seem to give every time we talk anymore.

We finished the evening with a viewing of Up, and even though I like the movie, it was difficult to keep my composure while watching it. The opening gets me every time.

Friday was worse. I came home after my nine-hour shift (that was actually a little longer because my relief came in ten minutes late. Apparently being punctual doesn’t extend to all employees). My mom had made me a breakfast sandwich, which I ate while crying. I went to bed shortly afterward. I woke up and started to cry, so I ducked into the shower to disguise it.

Mom and I had already put the Christmas tree up, but she got the ornaments and other decorations out while I was sleeping.  We ordered pizza and decked the halls while waiting for the delivery guy. Our tree looks lovely.

Before we ate dinner, Mom told me she had a surprise for me. I was led out to the outside of our house, where Christmas lights lined the roof of our house. For the record, I cannot remember the last time we had Christmas lights on our house. My dad and mom did it at least once when they were married, but that was over seventeen years ago. Mom and Paul never decorated the two houses we lived in, and we’ve been in this house for seven years and never put lights on it. We’ve always been so busy, or Mom knows how much work it is to put them up there. I’ve looked at other decorated houses with envy for years, and now, even though it is quite simple, I have Christmas lights on my house.

“We just wanted to make you happy, baby,” my mom said. It did. I mean, I was incredibly grateful for the time and thought that my mom and grandparents put into decorating our house. That was the problem, though. It just made me want to stay at home with them even more.

We ate dinner and watched Tangled, and everything was good. But after the movie ended, Mom, Grandma, and Grandpa played a game of Rummikub while I had an hour before I had to leave for work. I was going to have a slice of my chocolate pecan pie, but after I got the plate and the pie out, I started crying. I lost my appetite and put them back. I just went ahead and put my uniform on, and tried not to say anything.

My mom stopped me by the door before I was to go. She asked if I was okay, and I lost it. I couldn’t stop sobbing. She pulled me close to her and let me cry. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t yell at me or make me feel like a failure. I barely made it out of the house, for I was overcome with so much emotion and pain.

I don’t even know how I made it to work because my eyes were so blurry with tears. There was a moment when I looked up and realized, with a little confusion, that I was already at my exit and hadn’t noticed how close I was to it. When I thought I had cried so much that nothing else would come out, there were fresh wet spots on my green scarf. If the police had pulled me over, they would have thought someone had died.

I don’t know how I made it through work, either. Thankfully, it was a night I was able to leave early.

My Saturday was relatively good. I came home early, ate breakfast, and crawled into bed. Mom woke me up around 11:30, which mean I got about five hours of sleep. I felt pretty good. I got ready and we were out the door and down at the shopping center by 1:00. We ate at McAllister’s Deli, and then we walked around and went into stores. Mom and Grandma wanted to hit nearly every women’s clothing store. Grandpa stood outside. I felt bad for the guy.

I did buy something, but it was technically Mom’s purchase before I decided I’d pay for it so she didn’t have to put it on her credit card. It has gone from an immediate gratification purchase to being her birthday present. However, I didn’t buy anything for myself, nor did anyone buy anything for me. In the stores, Mom and Grandma would say, “Isn’t that nice? What do you think about this?” and I had to tell the truth: “It’s nice, I like it, but I can’t justify having it. I would have no place to wear it to, or I might wear it once.” I know this job isn’t permanent, that I’m not going to work here forever, but it feels like I will. When I have two pairs of work pants (which are technically my two pairs of nice khaki pants that are getting stains on them because my manager still hasn’t ordered my work pants) and three shirts, why bother? I spent so much money last year on professional clothes to use for teaching or a nice little office job, and I hardly wear any of it. I looked at so many nice items while shopping, but I knew that it would all be money wasted.

I tried to find a few gifts to complete my Christmas shopping list, but I didn’t succeed at that, either. For the most part, though, the gifts I need to make or buy are done. Why yes, I am an overachiever.

After walking around in the open air (and in the air of the stores), we went to Orange Leaf. Grandma and Grandpa had never heard of it, and since a new store opened in Noblesville a few weeks ago, we went. It was good, as always. Then we came home and I took a two-hour nap, which refreshed me just enough. We had little snacks and watched The Fantastic Mr. Fox, which I had been wanting to watch for a few days. The DVD skipped a little, but it still worked, and it was a nice night.

Mom, Grandma, and Grandpa played a game while I did some knitting. I had some coffee and a slice of my double chocolate pecan pie before I had to get into my uniform and go to work. Everything, for the most part, went well. I was only a little upset when I had to leave, and then when I got to work I sat in the parking lot and cried a little bit, but I pulled myself together and came in. It was a fairly uneventful night, thank goodness. I did cry a little, though I think I hid it well from my co-worker.

All in all, if it hadn’t been for my job and all the crying, it would have been such a wonderful Thanksgiving…

It sucks. But what sucks even worse is the second reason why I have not been posting here. I haven’t been feeling like myself since I went on the night shift. About a month ago, Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half wrote a post that summed up a great deal of my own feelings, and that is of depression. It is a little comforting that I am not alone in the world in suffering from depression, and yet, it is not comforting. It’s terrible.

Now, my own depression is not necessarily like Allie’s, for people deal with their emotions and their illnesses differently. For example, let’s say… a roommate. My roommate gets sick. Just a little cold. She over exaggerates her symptoms and buys things and medications she will never use, and she claims she’s dying but it’s a minor cold that she gets over in a day or two. Me? I get sick and I ignore it. The symptoms come up and I think I’m tough. I am the Clint Eastwood of illnesses, or so I’d like to believe. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. I don’t take medication because for the most part, it doesn’t work. I once suffered through a sinus infection for three months. The only time where a regular sickness turned me into one of those typical kids who go off to college and calls their mom to come up and help them. That was because I got the flu, and I was so weak my legs barely got me to the bathroom – and even then, they crumpled under me like a lawn chair outside the bathroom door and I had to wait a minute or two until I could use the wall to get me on my feet again.

Even though that was a long-winded tirade, it’s pretty much the same way I’ve dealt with my anxiety issues, and they’ve built up into a detrimental change in my behavior. I have had anxiety issues for a long, long, time, and it didn’t help that in college, I underwent a great amount of stress with my workload, dealt with bullying from a peer, and then was ultimately failed by the university I had entrusted with providing me with a quality education. I was also lied to by society. I’m not a perfect little snowflake. The things I love and are good at are not useful in actually earning money, and even though money can’t buy you happiness, it can give you a sense of security, especially when you have bills to pay, a car to keep running, student loans to pay off, or you take care of another person (the last one I actually don’t do, I’m just giving an example). Security is the second tier of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. However, while I do earn money in my employment, I do not get one very crucial part of that hierarchy that I once had: a sense of love and belonging.

I live with my mother. Besides her, the only other people I interact with are my co-workers who are all older than me, guests as they check in/out or inquire about something they need, and I get calls and texts from Alex – and, again, if I’m lucky, I see him on Sundays when I’m off for a few hours. But other than that, I don’t have people I interact with. I spend two hours commuting when I work – alone, in a car. I sleep while everyone is at work or in class, and I’m working when they’re sleeping or having fun on the weekends. Basically, I went from being at the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy to being near the bottom.

So there. On top of my long-ignored anxiety issues, I have lost so much of myself and what I had before. Even if my friends want to invite me to something, I probably wouldn’t be able to make it because of my job, and I know that everyone else has work and school during the day on Mondays through Fridays, so my chances of getting out of the house and doing anything fun are slim. I don’t even know what fun is anymore. When Alex and I get together, I never know what to do. I am lame,  I am boring, and I am sad and mopey all the time.

Which just makes it worse. The aura of perpetual self-loathing hangs around me, making me a miserable person to be around. I feel like a monster has taken control of my body and I can’t get rid of it. I just want to be who I once was, whoever she is.

I get to see Alex once a week. Sundays are usually our days. But it still isn’t ideal because he works Monday morning. I can’t wait until we are able to move. I’m crossing my fingers for March.

While I went down to visit him the last two weekends, Alex came to visit today. We were both a little tired, but we talked, watched part of a terrible movie (The Happening – what the hell is up with that movie?), decorated some Halloween cookies, and ate chili. We also cuddled under blankets because even though my house’s furnace was replaced in the past month or so, we haven’t turned the heat on yet. After stepping outside after my shift this morning and finding my car covered in frost (I happened to be wearing only my uniform and a jean jacket), I feel we should reconsider.

I was sad to see Alex go tonight, but I was glad I at least had the chance to see him for a few hours. We have had several obstacles to overcome together so far, and even though our schedules are our main one for the time being, I feel that we will one day eventually get around it and be happier.

After he left, I went back to carving a pumpkin. Mom and I went to a local farm a few weeks ago and picked out a humongous gourd. Mom tore it right off the vine and tried to carry it out of the pumpkin patch, but it wore her out and I had to run and fetch a wagon to take it to the cashier.

Anyway, it sat there for a bit, and eventually I got the inspiration for my carving. I used to never be a fan of horror films, though during the month of October, it is somewhat difficult to avoid. Freddy Krueger is, in my opinion, one of the most frightening of slasher-film villains and he has even haunted my nightmares (though of course, I’ve woken up from those…). I prefer my zombies to shamble though I don’t mind if they run, and my vampires most definitely don’t sparkle. Mom and I have been watching a lot of recent thriller and horror movies lately, and that’s been fun. I think my favorite was the original Let the Right One In. The ending was so abrupt and disturbing, yet in a way, endearing in reference to Oscar and Eli’s relationship.

Oh wait, anyway, I got off track. I swear I have a point to this rambling. So in my junior year of high school, I got my wisdom teeth removed around Halloween. I didn’t put together a costume, or at least I don’t remember having one. I went to a Halloween party the day after I had the surgery, and my friends said I just sat around, staring off into space and occasionally giggling. Also, I kept saying, “You’ve got red on you,” to a guy dressed up like Shaun from Shaun of the Dead. I seriously only remember saying it once.

While I was recovering from having my wisdom teeth out, I sat around on the couch a lot. It was before I took up knitting, so I didn’t do any of that, but we rented some movies. I had heard about Evil Dead and was curious, and that was on top of the video stack as well as Evil Dead II and the adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis’s The Rules of Attraction. I may or may not have watched American Psycho around that time, too. Anyway, I just remember watching the Evil Dead movies and I was so confused with the second one because I was doped up and couldn’t tell the difference between Evil Dead and Evil Dead II except the second one was funnier. But I liked it. I thought it was weird and Bruce Campbell was cool.  Eventually I got my hands on Army of Darkness, and I loved it. It was hilarious. I did an econ project my senior year of high school where I examined the film industry and what considerations have to go into making a movie, specifically a low-budget horror movie. I have watched Army of Darkness many times, and on my graduation from college, I wore a “Hail to the King, Baby” button on my gown.

So, anyway, my inspiration was my love for Army of Darkness, and after spending at least six hours over the course of four nights scraping images of Ash and Evil Ash out of this pumpkin, here are the results. I am so glad I was able to finish it in time for Halloween.

By the way, I actually didn’t realize I would have Halloween night off until last Sunday. With my old schedule, I would have been working. I wish I had noticed sooner, though. I’m not going to go through with making a costume this year. Reduce, reuse, recycle, they say. It should be fun, though. I’m going to go up north and hang out with some friends for Rocky Horror. I haven’t really seen anyone besides Alex for about a month. Oh, mature adult world, why do you have to suck sometimes?

I hate to say how reliant we are on the Internet nowadays, but we are. My mom does the majority of her schoolwork online, which is good for her because she can plan out when she does her homework. Unfortunately, I think she has something due tonight and that’s why we’re here. I wanted the Internet only so I could check my e-mail (which is probably junk) and I could write my 750 words for the day, since I have a good 115 day streak going and I am hesitant to just let it slip through my fingers. I just hope we can make it home in time to see the new episode of The Big Bang Theory. One of my nerdcrushes Wil Wheaton is on it again tonight, and I can’t miss that.

Otherwise, I haven’t really needed the Internet. I’m hoping to finish a Christmas present for one of my brothers tonight, and then I have a bunch of other Christmas knitting to work on. I’ve even started reading again, though most of my reading is done at work. So that means that in a 738-page book that I started three weeks ago, I’ve gotten about 102 pages in. Oh well. I vow to get back into the reading habit. I have far too many books to let them go unread. The large tome I am working on is a collection of Rudyard Kipling’s horror and fantasy stories. I admittedly only bought it because I saw it had “The Mark of the Beast” in it, which I love, but I am quite interested at what I’ve read so far. His language is a little hard to decipher at times, but that’s to be expected. Just wait until I get to my collection of Shakespeare – I’m going to go out of my mind because of his workings on the English language.

Also, I watch too much television. Mom and I got the first season of The Walking Dead and devoured it. We’re looking forward to the new season starting on Sunday. I’ve recently gotten interested in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and rediscovering South Park. My mother is not pleased. She also thinks I’m weird.

Anyway, nothing too exciting happening now. I’m a young, employed, apparently responsible adult now. I have been working at the hotel for four weeks now, though I’ve been in training for three. I actually enjoy my forty-five minute commute most days. I have noticed that the radio has a certain taste. It seemed like just about every time I was in the car either going to or coming from work, “Hotel California” would be playing. I don’t know if other hotel employees find that funny, but I thought it was hysterical. I have heard “In the Air Tonight” a lot, and that usually results in me belting out the lyrics and beating the drum part on my steering wheel. Also, Adele plays a lot, and though she has the most beautiful voice, there is only so many times I can take hearing “Rolling in the Deep” and “Someone Like You.” It’s such good music, but it makes me so sad and I really don’t have a reason to be sad right now.

Well, okay, maybe one reason. They are now getting me on a regular schedule. I’m going to have Sundays and Mondays off now instead of the proposed Thursdays and Fridays. That was my choice, though. I would much rather have Friday and Saturday off, but that’s not an option. I will, until some miracle happens, always work on Saturdays. So that sucks. I mean, I would be fine with my schedule, I just wish it didn’t seem like everyone I knew was in another time frame. I don’t know if I’ll actually get to visit my dad again until I have a year put in (because that’s when I earn vacation time). My friend Jennifer wrote on my Facebook wall the other day saying I should come visit her, and I’m just thinking, “Sure, but you’re still in school. You probably have classes or clinicals on Monday, so that’s probably not a good idea for me to come stay with you on Sunday…” but I really want to see her.

Before I was employed, I wanted to be a responsible adult. I wanted (and still want) to move out and be on my own. I wanted to feel like I was mature, or well, actually acting my age instead of feeling like nothing changed since the four years since high school. So now that I have a job to go to, why does that make me feel so crappy? I still don’t know what I want anymore, I guess.

Oddly enough, another song that reminds me of my job other than “Hotel California” is “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.” I should make a mix-tape.

But yeah! I got a job! I found out over a week ago, started training on Tuesday. I’m employed a front desk worker through a hotel and I think it will be an interesting experience. I have already learned a lot and have only been working for four days. My schedule has been switching around a lot, but eventually my regular shift will be the C-shift, better known as the “night shift” or “graveyard shift.” I keep joking that I’m going to become a vampire. I think it will be a good opportunity for me and I think I will gain a lot from this experience.

While the shift isn’t ideal, it’s something. I know that I won’t enjoy the weekends off like my friends and boyfriend will, but it’s something. I already can’t go to Christmas in Texas this year, but it’s something. The commute is an hour down and an hour back, but it’s something. I miss my free time, but it’s something. I needed to get out of the house and I needed to earn money, so it’s something. I am so happy to finally find a job after six months of sitting around and moping.

And with any luck, I’ll be able to at least cut the commute down in a few months when I move closer, and I’ll also be with the boy. <3

I am enjoying my long Labor Day weekend with the house to myself. I spent the majority of my night cleaning the house the best I could. I don’t know the last time the kitchen floor was washed. That was disgusting. It makes me shudder just thinking about it. I rewarded myself by eating an Oreo Blizzard I spontaneously ran out and bought in the middle of my cleaning because I had a coupon and didn’t know when our local Dairy Queen closed.

Last night was good. Except for the part where I double-checked the locks on the doors, locked my bedroom door, and still freaking out whenever I heard a strange noise that was, of course, just the house. I guess this is why I don’t live alone. Luckily, Alex will be here later.

I slept in and now I’m doing laundry. I know I should probably work out, but it is past 11:00 and I should definitely take a shower. Whatever. This post isn’t about me. Well, it sort of is. But it is about my excursion into the territory where I dye my own yarn. Oh man. Next thing you know, I’ll be spinning my own yarn. I think my mom will hate me once I get to that point. I have enough crap as it is.

I used Knit Picks Bare Fingering Weight – the superwash kind, since I most definitely did not want to worry about felting. I looked at a bunch of tutorials for this, but I think I mainly used Eunny Jang’s self-striping tutorial. I like stripes, and I was feeling ambitious. So I figured out my colors, and I did some math, but then gave up on math and just pulled out a skein of Felici and measured its stripes. The circumference of my yarn then spanned two chairs I put out in the backyard on Tuesday. It was huge. I had to have my mom help me bring it in, where it looped around the entirety of our family room. I took a picture, but I don’t have it here.

Wednesday I bought the Kool-Aid. I went to my nearest grocery store and was dismayed that there were only two colors I needed there, so I went out of my way and drove to Meijer. I will now buy all my Kool-Aid from there, since they have an entire shelf of it. I also happened to run into some dear friends of the family while I was out, so that was fortuitous.

Thursday was when the magic happened. I cleared out a giant Tupperware tub that usually holds a large portion of my dishes from school and filled it with water and a cap of delicate soak. I put the yarn in and let it sit while I was preparing cookie dough. I put the Kool-Aid in mason jars with some water.

I used Ice Blue Raspberry Lemonade, Lemon-Lime, Orange, and Lemonade. I used two packets for the Lemon-Lime and the Lemonade, though I feel I should have added more of the Lemonade because it wasn’t as strong as the other three colors in the end.

Now remember how I had carefully planned out my stripes? Well, I had a little issue putting the wet yarn into the jars because it decided to tangle. I was trying to undo it and ended up with water dripping all over the floor and all over myself. Good god. There was water EVERYWHERE. I put one of the ends into the green jar like I had planned, and then realized that I had put too much in. Oops. I was mad at myself for botching the plan, but I continued to put the rest of the yarn into the other jars. I used the double-boiler method, and this is the view from above the pot:

White Chocolate Butterscotch Cookies + Yarn Dyeing =

Multitasking like a boss.

I let it sit until it was clear, then I rinsed it out and hung it up to dry. The next morning, I wound it into a hank. Since I don’t have a yarn swift (hopefully a Christmas gift this year?), I had to make do with what I had, which was an upside-down desk chair.

I wound it a little too tight, admittedly. It still did the job, though.

These are my bright pretty colors! I’ve christened the colorway “Weird Science” because 1) the bright, strange, acid-tripping neon colors, 2) I truly tried to plan things out and it became skewed, just like an experiment gone wrong, and 3) I’m a nerd. I’m quite proud, especially since before Thursday, I was a dyeing virgin. I feel an addiction coming on, unfortunately.

Finally, here’s my yarn all wound up! I can’t wait to see how it looks once I’ve knitted it into a pair of socks!

I read. I workout. I write. I knit. I do a bunch of stuff. However, I feel that I am missing a lot out of my life. Namely, the fact that if I can’t move out of my mom’s house sooner, the longer I will feel that I am not, in fact, an adult – among other things.

But enough of that! The point of this post is not to wallow. It is to celebrate a bit of my work. While this is not everything I have done since graduation, these projects are perhaps my favorite work so far.

First up: Polly Jean Socks knitted with Knit Picks Palette (in Mulberry) gifted from my friend Krista.

Second: Jaywalker Socks knitted with Knit Picks Felici (in Abracadabra). I used opposite ends of the skeins so they are quite funky. I love them and can’t wait until it cools down enough so I can wear socks again. Because let’s face it. It’s summer. You don’t want to wear socks – but you sure as heck can knit them without sweating!

Third: A mohawk hat, taken from the pattern for Punk’s Not Dead from Pretty in Punk. I basically got the book just for this pattern. I also made one for my mom because we want to wear them to next year’s Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. Hers is solid, while mine is striped. It makes me feel awesome.

Four: My first embroidery project! The quote, “Sriracha is the Worcestershire Sauce of Thailand” is from My Drunk Kitchen – Episode 7, Tacos. I love watching this show. If you don’t watch it already, you totally should. Hannah Hart is so adorable. I introduced my boyfriend to the show as well, and he likes it. He also likes sriracha sauce, which I never tasted before I met him, so I decided to do an embroidery in tribute to this affinity for the angry rooster sauce. I think it will look great one day hanging in his (*cough* our) kitchen. I gave it to him for his birthday, and he really got a kick out of it.

Now I’m going to clean the house, because I really should do that. I’m going to have company over this weekend.

My stay in Kentucky went without any big event. The boys started school. I left. I came back to P-town. And things have been more or less the same. My friends started a new semester. My boyfriend started his job. I stay at home, bored out of my skull most days, trying to find employment. I knit. I knit a lot. I have determined that since I graduated, I have finished knitting three blankets for charity, finished Mom’s Christmas gift for this year, two pairs of socks, two regular hats, two stuffed elephants for two baby boys, and two mohawk hats. I’m currently working on my brothers’ Christmas presents, since I couldn’t work on it while I was visiting them. Besides knitting, I have tried to continue sewing a dress I started two Thanksgivings ago, and am determined to finish it before this Thanksgiving. Does anyone know how to install an invisible zipper? I sure don’t. My mom’s no help, either. I’d consult my aunt Jo for help, but she’s 1) in Cincinnati and 2) busy as can be with her work and her beautiful Stella. I always say that I’m going to give up any attempts at sewing once I finally finish a project, but I always seem to completely ignore that vow. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I have also completed my first embroidery project (it’s on my 101 Goals list, which has been rather inactive – shame on me!). It was a spur of the moment sort of thing that I just picked up the materials (though Mom had a hoop and materials) and checked out a book from the library. I designed it myself and -poof- within a few days, I was done. I’d say it is more simple compared to some of the beautiful embroidery I see online, but I’m still proud of it. It’s on red fabric and stitched in white. The image is of the rooster on the Sriracha bottle (spicy angry rooster sauce), and below it, I stitched a quote from an episode of My Drunk Kitchen: “Sriracha is the Worcestershire sauce of Thailand.” I made it with Alex in mind. Why? Because he likes Sriracha, he likes  My Drunk Kitchen, and eventually, he’s going to have an apartment of his own and I think it would be a unique and appropriate piece to hang in the kitchen.

Speaking of Alex, my dear sweet boyfriend had his birthday last week. I gave him the Sriracha embroidery, some bags of his favorite candy (Sour Patch Kids and Pretzel M&Ms), and a Streetlight Manifesto CD. I also joined him, his parents, and his grandparents for a celebration. We went to Pizzeria Uno and stuffed ourselves.

Besides crafting, I cook dinner every night. Recently, since Borders is going out of business, Mom picked up two vegetarian cookbooks. I think it’s really exciting, and we’re now on our second week of vegetarian dinners. I’m going to try my month of vegetarianism (another thing on my goal list) now, I’d say, though it will be difficult depending on who I happen to eat with. For example, if I go visit Alex, I don’t want to snub the dinner if it includes meat, because that would be inconvenient. Also, I’ve been reading, though not in the past few days. I’m going to remedy that. If you want to check out my book list, I have it on Listography. There’s still plenty more books on my bookshelves that I haven’t tackled yet, and it could possibly be another year before I finish them all! I hope not, though…

Nothing much else is going on, I’d say. I don’t watch a lot of movies, but some days, I feel like a bump on a log. And then, for the past two weekends, Alex and I have gone up to Muncie for shenanigans. I love being able to see my friends and hang out with them. It makes me miss school – or at least being just a stone’s throw away from everyone. I also miss biking and walking everywhere. That’s why, after I finish writing this, I have decided that I’m going to bike to the library. Okay, maybe lunch first. Either way, I’m still going to bike to the library today and enjoy the beautiful weather outside. Thankfully, it isn’t too hot.

I will post again soon. I’ve decided that it is going to be a very picture-heavy post, since I want to share my crafty ventures. I am quite proud of them.

Until then…

I’m here at my dad’s house, watching my brothers. David goes back to school tomorrow. He’s in sixth grade, at a special advanced school. He’ll be taking algebra I and Latin. My eleven-year-old brother is going to know Latin, and by the time he gets in high school, he’ll probably take more math than I ever did. Man, that just makes me feel stupid. At least I can make my own peanut butter and jelly sandwich and can remember to flush the toilet, but that’s not saying much. We don’t get along like we used to, and I feel bad about that, but David has had this recent habit of acting like a teenager and thinking the world revolves around him and he can do no wrong. He doesn’t listen. This morning, I told him to take the dog out front so he could relieve himself while I was getting breakfast together. When it was ready, I thought, “Well, it doesn’t take the dog that long, so I wonder how things are going.” I looked out the front door and couldn’t find David and Jock. I panicked. I ran out to the driveway and saw that David was a few houses down, near the bus stop. I yelled for him to come back. He said that he thought the dog could use a walk. That might have been a good idea, but only with someone else to accompany him. He has no concept of “Stranger Danger,” and that’s worrisome.

I want to get along with David, but sometimes it is hard. We still have some good moments, though. The other day, I went upstairs and couldn’t find him anywhere. I called his name, and he didn’t answer. I eventually found him sitting in the empty master bathroom tub, reading the iPad, and listening to the radio with the door shut. Kids are so odd sometimes.

Alex is going to be in third grade. He doesn’t start until next Wednesday, though. He’s very into Harry Potter now, which I like, but it’s more of the movie and Lego ties that he likes, not the books – which makes me sad. Oh well. He’s still freakin’ adorable. The other night, we were watching the end of Spaceballs before bed, and he was wearing Harry Potter robes. I went upstairs to get my laptop, and he said, “When you come downstairs and my hood is up, pretend I’m invisible!” It made me laugh so much.

Besides watching my brothers, I’ve been reading, exercising, writing, knitting, and job searching. Basically, the same things I do when I live with Mom. I have been exercising more, though, and it makes me feel good. I’ll probably do it after I finish writing this. With reading, I recently finished Bel Canto, which I think is probably my new favorite book (My apologies to The Historian – You can be my runner-up, though!). I finished it on Sunday, and there was this deep sadness within me; I wanted to read more, and yet, I knew that there was no more. I felt for the characters, and I was moved by the beautiful writing. I wish I could write like that. I’m re-reading The Sparrow now. I read it back in high school, a while ago. I don’t remember much of it, except for little parts. I found a copy of the book when I visited Jennifer in Bloomington once. There was a cool used bookstore there. Anyway, it’s interesting, but I think it’s harder to get into than the last book.

I’m currently knitting a pair of socks right now for the boy. It’s a easy, beautiful pattern, and I love the yarn, but I think I’m going to run out. I should probably buy some more. I might just get some more for myself. Books and yarn – those are my biggest vices.

As for job searching, it’s a bust. I got a call Friday about a position I applied to two months ago. I happened to be driving to my grandparents’ house at the time. I called back and left a message for the woman, but she was out of the office for the weekend. She called on Monday, completely ignoring the fact that I had stated in the message that I wouldn’t be back until the 17th. She wanted me to set up an interview for Tuesday. When I explained that I was out of state, she immediately said, “Well, it’s been nice speaking to you.” I understand that most people prefer an in-person interview to a phone interview, and for good reason. I just wish that I could have been given a chance. What if this was a family emergency? I hate that so many recruiters/employers want people to be so desperate that they’ll drop everything for an interview. Yes, I want a job, I really need one, but sometimes there are circumstances beyond my control.

Additionally, last week I had an preliminary interview for a teaching position in Japan. Because of my hellish student teaching experience, I would rather teach in a country that respects education and educators instead of America. I was worried, though, about going abroad for a year, being completely alone in a foreign country.  I know that I would miss Alex and my family considerably. I also wasn’t sure if the start-up costs (I would have to pay for my own flight over to Japan, my background check, and some other things before I actually received a stipend.). Well, now I don’t have to choose. I got an e-mail last night. They don’t want me.

Nobody wants me. It feels like the time before I found my job at the library, only worse. I have little experience, I have little references, and who really wants an English major, anymore? I keep seeing and hearing about my friends who are getting jobs or, in the case of my teaching friends, getting ready to teach their first class. My other friends still in school are getting their schedules, moving back to the dorms, or starting grad school. I just feel like everyone knows what they’re doing with their life but me.